13/02/2013 13:18 GMT | Updated 15/04/2013 06:12 BST

Valentine's Day Recipe: Heart-Shaped Horse Pie

Thanks to our friends at Findus, horsemeat is now more popular than ever. What better way to say "I love you" than to cook this delicious heart-shaped meaty treat for that special someone in your life?

For this recipe you will need a heart-shaped oven dish and a fairly strong stomach.

You will also need the following ingredients:

  • 2 tablespoons of oil
  • 1 onion of ample girth
  • 3 cloves of garlic
  • 500g fresh horsemeat (or one average-sized baby Shetland pony)
  • 111ml water
  • Vegetable stock
  • Potatoes (lots)
  • Cheddar cheese


Chop the onion and garlic into small pieces. A knife is best for this, as it has a sharp side which can be used to cut through stuff.

Peel your potatoes. Since this recipe is inspired by Nigella Lawson, you should make sure this procedure is as sexualised as possible. Lick your lips as you peel, and touch yourself inappropriately at regular intervals.

Cut the potatoes into smaller pieces. Alternatively, you can use smaller potatoes and then you won't have to bother.

Grate the cheese. The best way to do this is with a cheese-grater.

Heat a little oil in a frying pan. As this is for Valentine's Day, you may wish you use a small quantity of semen as a low calorie alternative (available at Waitrose - behind the wheelie bins after nine o'clock).

Toss the onion and garlic into a frying pan and brown over a low heat for four minutes. That's roughly the length of Kate Winslet's 2001 Christmas single What If, so if you're worried about timing just play that in the background.

Add some chopped carrot and turnip if you're one of those five-a-day freaks.

Add the minced horsemeat to the pan and try not to think of Boxer from George Orwell's Animal Farm.

Pour in the water and vegetable stock.

Turn up the motherfucking heat, bitches.

After 15 minutes or so taste the meat to see if it's ready. It should have a tough, chewy quality, not unlike Mel Gibson's jowls, or George Osborne's sense of compassion.

Lower the heat, cover the pan and simmer until the smell of hot dead horse is overwhelming.

Preheat the oven to 200C. Leave your heart-shaped oven dish in the oven until it is hot. You'll know it's hot if it burns your tongue when you lick it.

Boil the potatoes. In water, ideally. If you work for the Daily Express you may prefer to use the blood of a small child.

Add milk to the potatoes in order to mash them. This can be obtained from virtually any lactating mammal. Except for Kate Middleton, who is known to bite.

Pour the horsemeat into the heart-shaped oven dish. Add the mash and sprinkle on as much cheese as possible to disguise the flavour of equine flesh.

Cook in the oven until the cheese begins to bubble. Serve with roasted vegetables and a large bucket.