27/01/2016 12:49 GMT | Updated 27/01/2017 05:12 GMT

25 Rules for Using a Website Comments Section

Having spent more time than I would have liked landing on website comment sections, I realise that there are some essential rules on how to conduct oneself when posting. Of course, there are many balanced, intelligent humans who add positively to a conversation. But these rules are for the less-enlightened who flock to any and every site and define themselves through their bottom-dwelling 'contributions'.

1) The internet was invented solely for you to write things that you wouldn't say to a persons face.

2) Correct spelling, grammar and punctuation are generally unnecessary.

3) As are facts.

4) Other internet users are the enemy. Engage first to avoid confusion.

5) Research is time consuming. Best avoided.

6) Like getting a proper job.

7) Natural disasters and human catastrophe are excellent sources for inspiration.

8) As are minority groups.

9) Many people share beliefs that aren't yours. They are hell-bound scum. Remind them.

10) And extend that to their family. Especially the recently deceased ones.

11) Remember, 'free speech' means that any form of bigotry, racism and misogyny is perfectly OK.

12) Meaningful relationships are a show of weakness. Don't look for one.

13) Or accept one if offered. Which you won't be. Ever.

14) Celebrities don't have feelings.

15) Nor does anybody else for that matter.

16) Except you. Although beware - yours are buried beneath a myriad of complex life issues.

17) Learn to love reading and watching everything you loathe. React immediately to all of it.

18) Focus on people who passionately stand for something.

19) A quick and dismissive comment from you is more than worthy of a persons hopes and dreams.

20) Even though you've never left your bedroom, you know how to run the country.

21) And make music, films, television and works-of-art.

22) But never tell people how.

23) Just make sure the world knows you know. Through unrelenting criticism of everything.

24) The right username increases your status. 'NinjaKing' is good. 'MegatronHyperPhallus' is better.

25) Finally, under no circumstances must you ever accept any liability for offence caused. Believing that 'offence is a choice' will help you sleep better and appease your barren conscience and misaligned moral compass.