© Maz Spencer
It's officially fashion week! You've got the invite, you've got the designer garb, now all you have to do is show up, give face and pout till your lips drop off. You need to pretend to be interested yet act completely aloof and always use the hashtag #bitchplease.
So, without further ado, here are my top ten essentials for surviving fashion week...
1- Oversized Diva Coat
Shrug it over the shoulders, hook it behind your chair or drag it along the floor like it's one of your many slaves, but make it big and make it the boss. If it's designer, casually let it slip so the label inside shows.
2- Ruby woo
Nothing says serious like Ruby Woo by Mac. This red lipstick is a beautiful staple and stays on for hours. You can drink, eat and chat, and it won't move an inch. Don't worry about the smooching; you'll only be air kissing anyway so your perfect lips will be safe all night.
3- Male models
Its official, male models are the new handbags. Why bother carrying any possessions when one of these beauties can quite easily carry your loose change, compact and iPad? Get one that will upload your Instagram hourly and fetch you fresh kale juices. Designer handbags? Their so 2011, darling.
One must not gloat at fashion week. One must glide along like this whole display of glorified beauty and grandeur is the everyday norm. But Louboutins with their glossy spike heels are perfect for making sure no one sits in your front row seat. And if you really want to show them who's superior you can murmur overly loud, 'Oh darling, my Louboutins are killing me.' Always a winner to get people out of the way.
Large alienesque glasses are a must for fashion week. Underneath them you'll be wearing full lashes and eye contouring but you must not take those badboys off. Not even for a second. Their fabulous for rolling your eyes at that avant-garde new designer who's just made this seasons LBD out of bin bags, or pretending to be interested in the never ending canapés.
© Annette B Kellow
6- Coconut Water
This rehydrating drink contains electrolytes and minerals to keep your energy up all day, whilst it's tres fashionable look ensures you'll be completely in Vogue with the latest health craze. You can also drink galoshes of bubbles whilst looking fresh as a daisy the next day.
7- Goddess Cushion
So many fashion shows, so little time! You never know where you'll have to suddenly park your Prada clad self and some of the graduate shows have uncomfortable plastic chairs (so unthoughtful of them!) But don't complain, just bring the most gorgeous cushion ever and you can sit through anything.
It's best not to take public transport in fashion week, especially as your wearing your best labels! And Ubers are rather keen with arriving fast so you can attend even more fashionista after parties. Their also perfect if you want to get away from someone- just casually look at your phone and tell a sweet white lie that you have to go, 'Mr. Ubers outside.'
9- Sobranie cigarettes
These little gold tipped Russian cigarettes are the oldest tobacco brand in the world and you can match the colours to your outfit- but whatever you do don't actually light it! One must not ruin the skin, or the nails! They're for posing only and besides it's never been in Vogue to stand in a dirty fire escape puffing away.
10- Business cards
Do a variation of them to give to different people. Perhaps Felicity Von Trump, so you can sound regal and acquire some free threads. Sammie Gold- Stylist to the Stars, so you can blag new designers garb. And Margaret Smithson, Award winning PR for ten years, for yes, you've guessed it- more free clothes!