17/11/2016 12:19 GMT | Updated 18/11/2017 05:12 GMT

Things You Find Out When You Have Cancer...

All images by Bettina Bhandari via Getty Images

People will tell you about their loved ones, or an acquaintance they know, experiences with the same, or possibly any, cancer. You will hear about so many people's cancers and treatment while you politely nod and play David Bowie in your head until they finish.

People with tell you about a cure someone they know tried that may or may not have worked. It will almost always be for a different cancer to yours and irrelevant, but you will listen and play David Bowie in your head until they finish.

Because, as you will have just found out, all cancers are different. And there are different types of different types of cancer and the specific one you have only has one cause so other cures are irrelevant. But it takes too long and too much energy to explain so you will nod politely and play David Bowie in your head until they finish.

You will find out not needing chemo doesn't actually mean you don't need it. It does mean mathematically the benefits don't outweigh the risks because it's literal poison and, like any sane person, before they give you poison they want to make sure they're really sure you need it, and sometimes you might fall into a hedge your bets territory which is where you'll feel elation-laced anxiety (possibly forever).

You will likely feel a fraud for not having chemo and you'll see people's attitudes literally swing from deathly concern as they lower their voice to ask if you had chemo, to a full swingy oh so you're fine, it was like a small cancer then? and you'll politely nod while bombs go off in your head.

You will realise that all this time you thought chemo was the worst possible outcome you were so wrong and dumb for not knowing the alternative drug treatments come with an equally terrifying but much longer sentence, and without the world's sympathy.

Math will become very important to you. Statistically speaking 100% of cancer patients will dwell on statistics 100% of the time and your personal percentages will seem like a life or death sentence depending how you feel that day, and your conclusion will change continually.

You will realise "let me know if I can do anything" is the most selfish selfless act in the world and you'll instantly know the people who say it are the ones you'll never have time for again.

You will look at your life so hard, and the dickheads in it, with either a meteor sized rush of love or hate, there is no in-between.

You will understand what real friendship is and it will burn deep holes into your heart that will terrify you that you'll never be as good a friend back.

You will live every moment with the word cancer emblazoned on your brain right behind your eyeballs and it won't move for anything. Until one day it isn't and you didn't even realise, and that's when you're cancer free.