Since our stunning performance at this year's General Election, the Al-Zebabist Nation of OOOG has been slowly expanding its international operations, setting up splinter-cells and making connections with other radical groups around the world. With our focus now on the global stage, events in Ukraine have seized our attention. In His wisdom, the Prophet Zebadiah Abu Obadiah ordered a delegation be sent to investigate the parallels between the Ukrainian crisis and the situation we face in Thanet.
So, accompanied by our photographer Sister Choudary, I travelled to the Ukraine to see what lessons could be learnt. On my mission I attended a rally of the far-right group Right Sector, and interviewed some of its members. I was also allowed access to the Ministries of Agriculture and Migration, and spoke to the staff there. Formal recognition of the Afro-Thanetian Zaliphate may be some way off, but our delegation was met with genuine enthusiasm from our Ukrainian hosts.
Day 1: The Ministry of Agriculture
Sister Choudary and I met our contact Sasha at the steps of the Verkhovna Rada, Ukraine's Parliament. He led us to our car, mentioning in passing the 2014 fist-fight that broke out within the Rada's granite chambers. Silently I wished that our own Thanet District Council had the conviction to replace their snake words with this more honest form of violence. We drove down past the Maidan to the Ministry of Agriculture, where another suited official led us inside. We took our seats at the back of the chamber, and an interpreter translated the proceedings. The members spoke of rising output, the reconsideration of subsidies for certain sectors - alien words that bounced off my impoverished experience and spilled onto the floor.
In terms of agriculture, Ukraine is far more fortunate than Thanet. OOOG has blessed Ukraine with fertile soils: rich, black earth that crumbles between the rough fingertips of an honest peasantry. This land produces a bounty of root crops: turnips and beetroot jostle with potatoes for the crown of King Tuber. This land may be ancient, but the Ukraine of today possesses advanced farm machinery like tractors and wheeled-ploughs. The happy Ukrainian - perched high atop his beloved combine - is a common sight in the countryside, and today's farmers have much the same relationship with their machines as their forefathers had with their cattle.
Naturally all this is anathema to the people of Thanet, for OOOG hath forbidden machinery. The never-ending fields of the Afro-Thanetian Zaliphate are picked by hand, and nought but cabbage blooms from the blasted tundra of Manston and Westwood Cross. Teams of labourers shuffle on in stoic obedience, the sweat from their brows required by OOOG and rewarded by Him also. The shrieks of gulls echo in the brains of men as shrunken homunculi are pulled from desolate loam. If only OOOG had gifted us with fertility - laments the Thanetian - then we too would enjoy the luxuries of a full harvest.
Day 4: The Far-Right Rally
Walking the short distance from our hotel to the Maidan, we found several hundred paramilitaries in camouflage uniforms. These troops were in good spirits, being congratulated by bystanders waving the distinctive red and black flags of Right Sector. At the fringes, tattooed men in black looked on.
Right Sector are the most prominent of Ukraine's far-right groups, comprised of a range of right-wingers, ultra-nationalists and neo-Nazis. They get a lot of coverage in the Western and Russian Press (see RT's coverage in particular), but the signifier 'fascist' is misleading. Unlike in Britain and most of Europe, Right Sector's fascism is not characterised by race in the same way. Militarism, aggressive imagery and a leadership cult are certainly shared traits - but the primary enemy, scapegoat and object of hate is Russia, not ethnic or religious minorities. I walked among the Right Sector on the Maidan, and I spoke to their soldiers. I felt no animosity or hatred directed at me.
In Thanet and mainland Britain, the far-right is far less organised. But disorganisation does not equal weakness, and nebulous English stupidity is in many ways more dangerous. Yes, the hierarchical, tight formations of Right Sector troops would be the envy of the EDL and Britain First. But this is not how racism works in Thanet. Racism is literally built into the bricks and mortar of Broadstairs. It is a shifting mist that cannot be contained in a physical square like Kiev's Maidan.
The racists of Broadstairs do not wear uniforms, but they walk among us, undeclared. Racism occupies their nostalgia for the 'good old days', the annual Folk Week festival of race-hate and narrow-mindedness, the second glances at foreign faces in their shops, their beaches and their high street.
The war in Ukraine has given Right Sector a way of glorifying themselves, and an environment that makes this self-glorification convincing. Although English fascists have so far been unable to make Muslims seem as threatening as Right Sector have made Russia, the English have a much richer history of Imperialism on which to base their terrible claims.
If only Broadstairs were more like Right Sector, perhaps it would be more easily destroyed.
Day 6: Religion
On our day of rest, Sister Choudary and I visited some of Kiev's famous Cathedrals. Their imposing grandeur made a welcome change from dull English Protestantism. With the golden domes and splendour of St. Sophia and Pechersk Lavra, Orthodox Christianity does an excellent job of worshipping the wrong God. Our First Minister, Brother Lewadiah, was moved to tears when I sent him the images we captured. Whilst we worship a very different creator, this is surely what faith is all about. Ukraine's religious pomp underlines the importance of grandiosity in inspiring devotion, something our Prophet has been acutely aware of in His designing of the Grand Zebjid in Cliftonville.
Glittering domes and golden geometry shall frame statues of the Prophet and His apostles. For logic and reason can only go so far in the conversions of non-believers - and there comes a time when emotion and awe must step in to bridge the gap between this realm and the unknowable.
Our mission to Ukraine had a profound effect on our delegation, and it has begun an era of mutual understanding and cooperation between our two great nations. The contacts we made will be of immense value to our future operations, and our mission's success will surely inspire more fact-finding journeys across OOOG's realm.
To the people of Ukraine: You have taught us many things, just as we have taught you. We are grateful for your insights, just as you now humble yourselves before the glory of OOOG's Word.
Until next time, Ukraine.