04/09/2013 08:40 BST | Updated 03/11/2013 05:12 GMT

A Comedian's Take on Parenting


Please Hold the Safety Railing

When it comes to parenting, there are numerous perils a father should be aware of. Answering the dreaded "where do babies come from" question and reading books to your kids when you are terrifically hung-over are two such perils which quickly come to mind.

Some parents are bashful about their own nudity around their kids. Not me. This is mainly due to my inherent laziness when it comes to the concept of pants. I often bathed with my oldest boy when he was a fat, rotund, giggling blob but about 18 months ago he made the step up to having a shower. He was initially terrified so I agreed to shower with him. We no longer share the shower because of two reasons. 1: He's getting too big and 2: because of The Unspoken Incident.

The Unspoken Incident occurred when I was hustling him into the shower one night. He stepped into the shower and slipped. Fortunately for him, he was able to grab the nearest object to stop himself from slamming head first into the shower-tiles. Unfortunately for me, that nearest object was my scrotum. There was a brief moment where I was confronted with two options. Knock his hand off my squished genitals and let him hit the ground or wait for him to right himself. I chose the latter because I'm a caring father. He let go, looked at my pained expression, and giggled quietly.

"I, uh, grabbed your balls"

"You sure did mate."

"Sorry Dad."

"That's okay, buddy."

"Um. I think I'll have showers on my own from now."

"Sounds good to me."

Dinosaur Favouritism

What's your favourite dinosaur?

This is a question I am asked on an almost daily basis. You see, I have two sons under the age of six and dinosaurs are pretty much the coolest things ever. I was the same when I was their age. My knowledge of dinosaurs was unparalleled until I discovered girls and Star Wars and my interest in monsters of years gone by faded into the background.

Having kids has brought dinosaurs back into the spotlight. My son rates all the dinosaurs. He's not a huge fan of Hadrosaurs, but really who is? Like all little boys he's enamoured with Tyrannosaurus Rex but thinks their arms are way too short and that they wouldn't be able to brush their teeth. You can't argue with that logic. He's moved onto Ankylosaurus which was surprising given it's a dopey herbivore but he saw a badly drawn picture of an Ankylosaurus fighting a Tyrannosaurus in a tattered book and the Ankylosaurus was winning! He said its armour and heavy club-like tail make it a formidable opponent. He's correct. He also said the only way an Ankylosaurus could be any more awesome was if it had laser guns glued to its back. Again, faultless logic.

For the record, I like Allosaurus and my wife likes Brachiosaurus. How silly is she.

These stories were uploaded by Andy Thompson who is a comedian and brilliant writer.

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