11/10/2013 08:33 BST | Updated 23/01/2014 18:58 GMT

A Gay Comedian's Take on Love and Life


Gay Arguments

Being in a relationship with another woman can have it perks. Borrowing clothes, no pash rashes, and having a good long chat about periods without someone fainting. Or turning on the cricket to restore balance. But it can also have its drawbacks, like who sits at the head of the table? Who proposes to who? And do we tell the government?

And when two women are simultaneously PMS'ing, I find a really good sense of humour is imperative... and being a comedian can sometimes come in handy.

"If you don't stop putting your wet towels on the floor... I'm gonna wear a pink dress every time we go out, so YOU look like the butch one."

Well played lover, well played... I don't want people to confuse me with Ellen, so you win this round.

"If you don't stop nagging me, I'm going to get all your pride flags and anything else with a multi-coloured pattern on it resembling a rainbow... and stick 'em through a hot wash!"

They're colourfast... but you're welcome to do my laundry.

It's times like these being straight seems somewhat appealing. What I wouldn't give to have a guy tell me to "stop being so emotional".

I've got heaps of comebacks for that, like, "No sex for you." Whereas a lesbian might see this as a win, and then you're screwed. but not in a good way.

For this reason, and numerous others, I feel like I would've made a really great straight woman. I like the cricket, love winning arguments, and my goal of one day marrying into money would be a little more realistic.

I Hate You. Period.

I wrote a song once called, 'I Hate You, Period'... but everyone thought I was singing the full stop. I wasn't. When Mum first told me what would happen every month at random times and places until I was too old to enjoy life, I said, "Am I being punk'd?"

Apparently not... "It's so you can have kids".

I thought, the only way that explanation would ever justify a life long subscription to a haemorrhaging surprise party, would be if I could give birth to Jesus or the new Sony Playstation, followed closely by a brand new vagina.

And don't get me started on the pads, they wrap each one like a freakin' pass the parcel... only I'm not happy when I open it. Maybe if a balloon or some chocolate fell out, it'd help... a joint or 5 grams of crack would also be acceptable.

If there really is a God, what the hell was he thinking when he created this superfluous abomination!? I think on the 8th day he rested and then had a little bit of a giggle. Lol God... Lol.

We should at least get a choice... "Would you like crotch bleeding, PMS, pregnancy, cellulite and menopause... but that's not all... we'll even throw in a painful 15 hour labour, during which you may or may not shit yourself! No?

Well then... can I interest you in a penis? They're quite popular. You won't stop touching it from the day you're old enough to reach it, and all you'll ever think about is humping things... and football, but mostly sex. PLUS, as an added bonus... nobody will ever call you a whore.

Hmm... let me think.

These stories were published by Jennifer Burke (@MissJenniBurke) who is a stand-up comic, writer, singer/songwriter... She's replaced a budding social life with telling jokes to strangers for free, hopes to one day wean herself off caffeine, and/or marry into money.

Read the rest of her (hilarious) stories here.