THE BLOG
21/11/2013 08:59 GMT | Updated 25/01/2014 16:01 GMT

Selfies and Celebrity Kids

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Selfies

So selfies are fun... like going to the movies alone or crying while you masturbate.

If you're taking a selfie, chances are you're holding a camera in one hand and a bottle of aspirin in the other. Whilst I'm home alone on Saturday night trolling my newsfeed, being a likeaholic and waiting up for my cat, I find the most upsetting pictures are the ones where people appear to be having their photos... taken.

Happiness it seems, is not having your arm anywhere near the lens. #friends

You know you're living your best life when your limbs are so far away from the shutter it's unlikely anyone would speculate it's been photoshopped. But the perfect shot, is of two or more people with an accidental thumb 'photo bombing' the image so that at no point can one be accused of using a timer. Of course, this doesn't mean said 'friend' and the alleged 'clumsy thumsy' were known to 'selfie no friends' at time of 'random memory' being snapped. When it comes to authenticity, a self proclaimed 'selfie abuser' can never be too careful... and this is where tags come in.

Prior to the photo in question, so as not to arouse suspicion, the "Nigel (no friends)" should make sure any and all persons involved with operation 'SayNoToNarcissism' are friends on Facebook... then stalk, bump into, laugh while loading camera app, mime 'take photo', hug friend #2, smile, upload pic, insert funny and correctly spelled status, tag prey, post, then pat yourself on the back and wait for the event invites to come flooding in. Life's good.

Celebrity Kids

I'm not sure how, but celebrity kids are somehow growing up faster than the rest of us... one minute they're a new born on the cover of every magazine and the next thing you know they're celebrating their 9th birthday, creating their own fashion label, and a fragrance called 'Underage'... which in a French accent, almost sounds legal. Meanwhile, you're still waiting in the queue for your government handout and by the time you hand your form in they've been arrested for their first DUI... if only I had that kind of motivation.

I'm so lazy I think the snooze button's just an extra 5 minutes to decide whether or not I'm calling in sick... time's up... yes I am. Hit the snooze again... just more time to think up an original excuse. Final snooze... time to practice my sick voice and rehearse the story. This week's a doozy ... "Hey Kerry, so, I can't make it into work today, I've got my period. Sorry? I had it last week? Ahh, yeah... it's irregular. Damn menses. I don't even want kids."

I bet while I'm busy at home watching Dr Phil, scratching my crotch and downing a biscuit every time he says the words, "I want you to get excited about your life" ... Suri Cruise is out getting a mani-pedi with Dr Phil's wife and planning her next venture with a new TV show called, "It's not me... it's definitely you, cuz you're poor, u idiot." Meanwhile, the Brangelina's are all having a mid-life crisis and tweeting their therapists... "Is it weird I'm attracted to my parents?"

And me? ... I'm busy searching for a new job on Facebook.

These stories were published on bytestories by Jennifer Burke (@MissJenniBurke) who is a stand-up comic, writer, singer/songwriter... She's replaced a budding social life with telling jokes to strangers for free, hopes to one day wean herself off caffeine, and/or marry into money.

Read the rest of her (hilarious) stories here.