01/01/2016 14:28 GMT | Updated 01/01/2017 05:12 GMT

Dear Government Folk, This Is How You Can Stop Us Drinking Two Days a Week

Dear Government Folk,

I woke up this morning to the nice newsreader lad on the telly informing me that you'd decided we should all stop drinking for two days a week, due to new guidelines you'd had a go at making.

I waited eagerly for the second part of your plan. I was excited. I didn't even put the kettle on first. Which is a sign of heady times in this household, I'm telling you.

I waited and waited. But that was it. That was your idea. Just don't drink.

This confuses me. I don't really like being confused, actually. It takes up valuable brain power that I could be using to deconstruct important Current Affairs, such as the recent plot line on Coronation Street.

So to end any further interruptions to my viewing schedule. Let me just leave you a few little tips. For free. Because I'm a nice lass like that:

You don't give tours round the Houses of Parliament without showing people a map on your website. Because if you did, they would get lost, wouldn't they? People get to where you want them to be if they have a set of clear directions to follow. If these directions purely consisted of "don't go to Buckingham Palace instead" then we'd all be a tad flummoxed, wouldn't we?

When people do use the map and come visit you, you give them a protocol. A code of conduct. You trust that if you show us how to behave in your place of work, then we will. Because you showed us how.

So. Please. Stop telling people not to drink, and not bother telling them how to do it.

You do try with health statistics. We lay people just call this fear though. And fear doesn't work for more than short term, trust me.

Thing is luvvies, you can't actually take away an emotional crutch or a habit this ingrained without replacing it with other things. That's really the only mistake you are making here. It's just happens to be a fecking huge one.

And there are so many other things. Things that you could be investing in. That have nothing to do with anti-drinking. And everything to with proactive living. Just to round off these guidelines to turn them into practical tips that actually help the people of your country. And help them really, really easily. And then they will be your friend. And vote for you and things.

Whoever you are taking advice from with these incentives, please stop. Because either they don't like you, and wish to make you look bad. Or they genuinely don't understand what successful non-drinking is like.

If that's the case, then no bother. Come have a cup of tea and a chat and I'll show you. For free. Because I'm a nice lass like that.

Please stop telling the people of Britain that they need to go two days a week without drinking, if you can't actually give them feasible suggestions of what to do instead.

Practical suggestions such as learn how to hand glide. Emotional suggestions like go pet a donkey or hug your nan.

There are hundreds. I'll write you a list of you like. For free, because I'm a nice lass like that-did I mention?

It's not a sacrifice to learn how to not drink two days of the week. It's is however, dreary as f*ck if you do it the way we've all been conditioned to. By well-meaning grown up such as doctors and politicians.

I don't like dreary. I'm allergic to it the way some folk are allergic to gluten. Or commitment.(okay fine, not some folk, just me that's afraid of that, but let's move on swiftly, shall we?) I avoid it like I avoid man made fibres if I'm honest.

It would be lovely if you could join me. With showing people how easy it is to not drink for two days a week by actually not talking about drinking at all. By showing them what the hell to do with their time instead.

Not with the natural fibres, that's your shout and fair play to you for your life choices in this respect.


Carrie x