05/03/2013 11:56 GMT | Updated 05/05/2013 06:12 BST

How to Get Into a London Club

How difficult can it be to get into a London Club? Honestly, HARD! From clipboard bitches, bouncers, to even managers, they all seem to find a way to make it sometimes merely impossible for you to get in.

First of all, how long are you prepared to wait? For the majority of us, we don't want to hang about queuing; we want to get in there pronto!

One technique is to get there early. You get there early, you think this is great, no queue, this is not going to be a problem. WRONG. The two stick-insect clipboard bitches on the door start to eye you up. From top to bottom, the stick insects are kitted out with the most upmarket glamorous posh totty clothing. From their fierce high-definition eyebrows to their biker leather accessories, these totty doorwomen are clearly not ladies you would want to mess with. Both wear oversized gilet coats, dressed as if they are about to hit the Antarctic!

You say, "Hi, there is two of us." The clipboard bitch with the fake eyelashes, glares down at her patent black clipboard. She then says in a low pitched husky voice, " Yah so who are you joining?" You go, "Umm were not joining anyone actually, it is just us two". She eyes you up and down, then she eyes up your friend. Are you actually joking, you're thinking. We're dressed up, what is wrong with us? She then flicks her long pony tail back and says in the most patronising tone, " Ya, if you're not on the list you can't come in. Sorry girlies." You're now standing there like a complete lemon. No one is even in the club it's so bloody early, and you have already been rejected!

Another way is to try and join a group of strangers. This strategy is known as "tagging". Everyone must have been a tagger at some time, but the majority are usually males. You get to a club as a group of 4 girls. The queue is quite obviously packed, stretching round the corner of the street, and the bouncer is telling people to move back. You're mid way through the queue and you can hear the redlipstick clipboard bitch rejecting a group of six guys at the front. As they walk away, two come up to you. " Ummm, hi girls could we jump in here with you, we can't all get in". You look at your friends; you're thinking, I want to bloody get into this club and I don't need you two 'taggers' bringing us down, so no thanks! You glare back; bite your lip, and say, " Ah Sorry not tonight". The tagger starts to beg; he's now on his knees, and he glares up at you with his cheeky grin and winks at you. Hmm, awkward. Can you please leave me alone, this is just drawing more attention to us! You say, "Sorry we're joining others. Ask someone else."

You get to the front. Finally a chance to get in! The clipboard bitch speaks before you have a chance to say you're actually on the guest list. " Sorry girlies it's very full tonight". You're thinking, are you mad? You must be joking, I have been in this queue for nearly half an hour, yes, HALF AN HOUR, my feet hurt, oh and I actually am on the guest list! "We're all on the guest list," you say. She's not even looking at you now, but the next lot behind you. How rude! You try your next tactic.... known as 'it'ss-your-friend's-birthday-and-you-know-the-owner!' "Hmm," you say, "It's Lucie's birthday today and we know the owner. I think we have a table arranged or something?" The stick insect looks at you blank-faced. "We don't have any birthday down on the list, girlies. I am sorry". You're now literally fuming, this has to be a joke!

Getting into London clubs is a lot easier if you are on a table. To be on a table you have to fork out a lot of money, or in some cases you can get it for free if you really do know the owner or someone important in the club. You may also be joining someone who has a table. Instead of queuing, you can literally jump to the front of the queue and walk straight into the club. Great, huh? However, for the majority of us, we are not on tables.

Being at the front of the queue, you get asked if you are on a table. You respond,

"No, I am not, do I need a table to get in?" Sticky insect blonde bun haired clipboard bitch says, "Yes sorry, hun, this is a table club, you need to have a table". You are thinking to yourself, next time I come here I won't be on a table, I'll bring my own, maybe then you'll let me in!

All in all, London Clubs can sometimes pose a hurdle at times to get into. Lets face it, somebody certainly needs to write a manual and don't forget to bring an inflatable table!