Lego The Movie? What Child's Play!

In a world full of shimmering gems of nostalgia - offering so much more than the boxy logic of Lego, why couldn't we have a celluloid interpretation of something more inspiring? Listen up, producers of America, I'm pitching...

When used recklessly, wantonly or persuasively, nostalgia can be a weapon of mass destruction. Based on warm, fuzzy feelings of nostalgia alone we may be persuaded to do the most inane things. We may share just one more 'romantic' coffee (or in extreme cases full-blown bodily fluids) with our childhood sweetheart - regardless of the fact that he or she now shoots heroin into their eyeballs while extolling the virtues of Nick Griffin.

It can make us love our parents! Even though, with the benefit of maturity, we can see they would never make it in to a top five of our favourite people, nostalgia for their grudging compliance to wipe your juvenile derrieres keeps that little flame of love ablaze.

Nostalgia can fool us into thinking that Steps are actually an incredible bunch of musicians, entirely based on the fact that we would gladly jump around like an epileptic bunny to 'Deeper Shade of Blue' when we were 11.

It would seem that the vice-like grip of nostalgia has even looped its manipulative fingers round the purse strings of Hollywood producers. Nostalgia is the only rational conclusion I can find for this week's announcement that the Hollywood hotshots are making an entire feature length film about...wait for it... Lego.

Not content with an entire theme park dedicated to its angular world of primary colours, the little Simpsons wannabes are taking their regulation comb-over hairstyles and semi-paralysed limbs to the silver screen. Yawn, says I. Perhaps it's because I'm a girl, perhaps it's because I had (and still have) a debilitating lack of logic so profound that even stacking rectangular blocks to resemble...well, even a marginally larger rectangle to be honest, was a little out of my remit, that I just can buy into this cinematic venture.

In a world full of shimmering gems of nostalgia - offering so much more than the boxy logic of Lego, why couldn't we have a celluloid interpretation of something more inspiring? Listen up, producers of America, I'm pitching...

Doh-nutters: Glaze Runner

The premise- Sponsored by Krispy Kreme (and therefore a gateway to mass production of blatant money-grabbing merchandise), Glaze Runner is an action-packed nostalgia trip back to the days when you passed a Sunday afternoon with a trunk strapped to your face for fun. Half elephant-half humans tear through Britain on a mission to Glaze the shit out of every doughnut in the land, stacking up a personal collection round their colour-coded trunks as they go.

The star- Barbara Steisand, because her conk's got a head start.

Cluedo: Some Like it in the Billiard Room

The premise- We all know that Cluedo was definitely the sexiest board game of our youth. It had mystery, it had decadence, it had upper-middle class murder, and it had Miss Scarlett, the wanton fox. Some Like it in the Billiard Room sees Miss Scarlett systematically entice and seductively murder every other character on the board- like a really arousing, unsolved episode of Poirot.

The star- Scarlett Johannssen. Need I explain?

Syrian Families

The premise- Based on the little fluffy creatures known collectively as Sylvanian Families, this film sees the rodents relocate from an anonymous 'woodland' setting, to Syria (the small kiddies won't notice we've only changed a FEW letters). The story will serve to teach the younger generation about political struggles, power shifts and cultural differences in the Middle East, while looking cute and fluffy. A bit like Rastamouse, but less offensive, aurally and otherwise.

The star- Bono, who'd also write some nauseating, politically righteous songs.

The Good, The Bad, And The Bucking Broncho

The premise- The overloaded schizo donkey of our youth comes to life in this thrilling western. Broncho tears through the wild west, bucking the baddies into remission in a crazed frenzy of donkey-themed violence, reaping his revenge on all children who broke every animal rights law, loading him with ridiculous amounts of gratuitous accessories.

The star- Eddie Murphy, the undisputed voice of the donkey kingdom.

Lego, take a back seat. If Hollywood isn't knocking on my door demanding the rights to these nostalgic gems by the end of the week, I will personally donate my body to Operation: The Movie... and we all know how THAT filmic foray will end...


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