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10 Things I Didn't Expect From Being A Parent

here's something about having children that rewires your emotions. Suddenly, from nowhere, I'm permanently on the verge of blubbing. God knows I can't watch Bambi anymore (not that I did on a regular basis previously).There have been times when I'd have to leave the room during the The One Show.

"LIFE IS FULL, FULL OF SURPRISES, AND THE NICEST SURPRISE IN MY LIFE IS YOU."

That's what Cilla sang, back in the day, at the end of her hit series 'Surprise, Surprise'.

It was (and is) a terrible song. Yet the sentiment behind it is, I believe, true - parenting (as part of 'life') is full of surprises. You find yourself doing things that you'd never expected - some of which are (admittedly) humorous. So, as I'm a lovely fella, I've listed 10 of them here for your amusement:

1.

I Have Poo Tinnitus.

Everywhere I go I can smell a gentle whiff of poo. Where it's coming from, I can't tell you. It may be that changing a multitude of nappies has made me especially sensitive to the aroma off faecal matter. Perhaps I've become the human version of a drug sniffer dog - but with a purely poop-based ability. Whatever the truth is, I smell it everywhere.

2.

I Can Function On VERY Little Sleep.

It seems I really can go about daily activities after only a few hours of shut-eye. There is, however, a drawback. I used the word 'Function' advisedly. I can do the bare minimum needed - but none of my more complex tasks, like not being a moody so-and-so, are possible in this state. I walk into things, I can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing, my vocabulary vanishes at a moment's notice leaving me not talking good. Essentially, without sleep, I become the stripped- back version of myself - the 'Value' range, the entry model, the Windows 95 version of me.

3.

I HATE Celebrity Parents.

In the past people became famous because they were good at something, they then found they were 'celebrated' for that skill. Fair enough. These days, people become famous and then scrabble around looking for something to be good at. Invariably, they find they're not much cop at anything - and saturate the market around something they can at least spell. So we have a load of celebs giving their advice on parenting. 'Thingy' from 'Whatsitcalled' telling you how to do something that's painfully obvious is not my idea of help. "You need to change the baby's nappies regularly." Really? Thanks for the insight.

4.

I've Got Verbal Diarrhoea.

I'm permanently in a conversation with my baby son, who chatters back in a mixture of sounds, syllables and (recently) words. This (mainly one sided) exchange has been going on since he was born. I think it's a healthy way to be, ensuring he feels included and permanently surrounded by language. The issue is my commentary on life has stuck in my head so that I find myself chattering away even when he's not with me. I'll be wandering around the supermarket only to discover I'm narrating my trip:

"Shall we get cheese? Cheese would be nice. You like cheese don't you?"

What the other shoppers think, on seeing no baby in the vicinity, is beyond me. I've tried, but I just can't stop it. Worrying really.

5.

I've Gone All Soppy.

It's true. There's something about having children that rewires your emotions. Suddenly, from nowhere, I'm permanently on the verge of blubbing. God knows I can't watch Bambi anymore (not that I did on a regular basis previously).There have been times when I'd have to leave the room during the The One Show.

6.

My Standards Have Dropped.

I reached the point, not long after Sam's arrival, where I realized trying to keep myself stain free was impossible. I used to pride myself on my appearance. Actually that's total rubbish. I've always been a scruff. But now, since the advent of Sam, I've become a scruff covered in stains (food, sick, snot... you name it). It's something I've made my peace with.

7.

I LOVE Postman Pat.

At any given moment you'll find my wandering around, humming the 'Special Delivery Service' theme to myself. It's like The Archers but with more emphasis on incompetent postal delivery. Pat is such a numpty - he can't transport so much as a pencil case without some unnecessary disaster that always ends in him bringing the SDS Helicopter into play. It's preposterous and it's genius.

8.

I Talk About Myself In The 3rd Person And It Feels Totally Normal.

It's true. Daddy does this all the time. It's something that Daddy isn't even aware of doing. Silly Daddy. Daddy really wishes he could stop doing it. Mummy thinks Daddy has lost his marbles. Mummy might be right!

9.

I Can Tune Out Noise.

I came into the world of parenting a (very) 'noise sensitive' person. I've always said that silence is the ultimate luxury - something that only the richest can afford. I found unwanted noise extremely trying. These days, however, I'm much less noise aware. I can certainly sleep through Sam crying and totally tune out even the loudest of rackets - it's the only way I cope with soft play.

10.

I've Started Writing Lists.

See above.

To see an unabridged version of this blog click on the following link: https://outofdepthdad.wordpress.com/2017/10/20/10-things-i-didnt-expect-from-being-a-parent/

Chris McGuire

The Out of Depth Dad

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