When I met my RAF pilot husband, nicknamed Hagar the Horrible for his Viking warrior status, he was a vibrant, bouncy energetic shade of yellow. I was deep shade blue as I had broken my leg and couldn't walk. He burst into my life, loudly declared "hello, dream date" and swept me off my feet and we rode off into the sunset. Over time, and evolution, rank, role, combat and age, Hagar lost his colourful brightness. He turned into an intransigent black and white.
First, because I loved him so, I tried to be a bit of black and white; but it was too rigid for me, so then I adopted a steely shade of grey. Eventually, I couldn't bear the blandness any longer and I opted for pink and green, brighty, orangy red, sometimes purple, turquoise and yellows. I wanted to roll myself in colour and tiptoe barefoot through the tulips. I couldn't live with black and white anymore.
The difficulty with black and white; the military precision, is that it doesn't allow for flaws, fun and chaos. It's very restrictive and our two children; our son, The Grenade, aged 8 (nicknamed so because when he was younger he could destroy a room in 20 seconds) and The Menace, our daughter, aged 3 (called this because she stealthily goes about her business, silently creating disaster in her wake) can't breathe in the rigidity of Hagar's need for order, structure, command and control.
It's harder when he returns from war because the war is run like a well-oiled machine. The focus is time, perfection, prepping, delivery and execution - everyone knows their place and their role.
Hagar returns; he is tired and angry. He doesn't even know he is angry. He thinks it's ok to shout but we don't shout in anger here. We have been rolling in sunshine, colour and laughter, while he sweltered in the darkness. In response to his rage, I give him a spoon, a wooden spoon and I send him to a light room for him to breathe out the dark smoke and breathe in the white light.
Life is complex, post war and we watch out for loud bangs and tired, grumpy Hagar. We try and bring him back down to earth with beauty and life. Meanwhile the battle continues on. Peace and love.
A Modern Military Mother.
I was interviewed by BBC Wiltshire about our life - you can listen here:
https://www.youtube.com/user/amodmilitarymum#p/a/u/0/Wnq3MeoU1kI