13/07/2014 10:56 BST | Updated 12/09/2014 06:59 BST

Eight Sharp Tips to Harpoon That Dream Job

Jobs are horrible aren't they? What a waste of a life. Pity people who enjoy their job. They truly must have nothing. Still, while superrich psychopaths run our society you've got to play their sick, soul-destroying game. After all life comes with a monthly subscription charge, so here's how to get the job which will make everyone else think your life is great and theirs is shit.

1) Identify your Dream Job

Do you yearn to be a lawyer? Will architecture make you happy? Will investment banking stave off the panic attacks? Find out which job won't sap your diminishing life yolk the most and do that. My Dream Job is one where my old French teacher tells me to pile some stones on a desk but no matter how hard I try they keep falling off, even though the desk looks level. And he just keeps shouting at me. It's different for everyone.

2) Research, Research, Research

Where is the job? What time does the train leave? Is there a Tesco Metro nearby where you can get a sandwich. "A well prepizzled candidizzle is a candidizzle that knows what izzle bizzle, nom sem?" Snoop Dogg's Corporate Best Practise Handbook (Hodder and Stoughton).

Impress them with the size of your hand.

3) Rubbish the other candidates...

In the interview, start every other sentence with "Unlike the other candidates, I don't hate you" or "You're not all as horribly ugly and putrid smelling as the other candidates were saying. You barely look like sex offenders at all." When you walk into the room say "I think the other candidates are getting naked and smearing each other with excrement. I don't think that's appropriate in the workplace." Act out the made-up scatological ritual and bark a sharp "NO" so that the interviewers understand you don't approve.

4) Save the Interview Panel's Lives

Once you've started the fire, run and say "Come with me if you want to live." Try and wear close-fitting denim ripped around the muscles to suggest vigour. A tapeplayer playing music from the American rock band Boston will make you look 10-15% more heroic. Alternatively, release a rabid dog into the room and then immediately calm it with soothing lute music (NB: Be sure to cast correct dog i.e. one who is soothed by lute music. If unsure, go to a Medieval Fair and ask if they have any dogs for lease.)

5) Anticipate Their Questions

As soon as they open their mouths, say as fast as you can "What will I bring to the role?...where do I see myself in five years? I team player?" etc. If you get one right, they'll be impressed.

6) Beef Up Your Qualifications

That's right. Rub chunks of steak over your CV. Ha ha. No. I'm making a joke. That would be ludicrous. Instead tell them you went to Oxford University. If they ask which college, tell them the same one as Sir Stephen Fry or Dr Richard Hawkins. If they look confused, start hissing and then shout "GAS!" See 2. You can also call yourself "Doctor" just be sure to do quotation marks with your fingers every time you say it.

7) Cry

Sir Alan Sugar started life on a fruit and veg stall when a top business executive saw him blubbing and saw potential. Since then he has wept himself to the very pinnacle of the world famous Business Tower - London's most secret skyscraper. If you can't cry, try soiling yourself. Scientists suggest that poopy pants brings out the parental in the most steely of business people. Or I may have heard someone saying it. Whatever. It can't hurt.

8) Don't Follow The Rules

That's right! Throw away the rule book! Think OUTSIDE the box. Ignore everything I've said. And then break that rule by adhering closely to the rules. Keep going back and forth until you feel car sick. Only then will you be ready for the disorientating world of top corporate horseplay.