23/05/2013 13:35 BST | Updated 23/07/2013 06:12 BST

Two Gay Queens


Finally! A politician who speaks my language! Who understands my needs!

Finally, if all goes to plan, next summer I can marry my mum! Thank you, Lord Tebbit, for putting my sentiments into words so accurately!

What a day it will be. We'll have everyone there - Uncle Roger, betrothed to a boar and Aunty Sue, sexting ten parsnips - every corner of the sexual spectrum will be celebrating.

People said - 'you're gay? I presume you'll be wed to your mother then?' To which I replied, 'you betcha! After all, lesbianism is just another word for tax-avoiding incest, isn't it?!'

What fun we have.

As Tebbit says though - God he's so exact - I won't be stopping there. After the honeymoon I'll be getting underway with my ascent to the throne. Who knows, maybe it would be good to have two queens - then one of them would have to speak. [Oh no she didn't!]

What is going on at the moment? I thought people had finally chilled the fuck out?

Last Friday, like a Tebbit warm-up, I had a very strange bikini wax from a born again Christian:

"So do you have a boyfriend?" She asked.

"No. I have a girlfriend though." Some clattering came from the wax bench.

"Oh? Really? But you're quite... You look feminine...?" She frowned.

"Yeah I guess. So does she. Apparently they don't give you a crew cut when you join. (lol)" The gag was received poorly.

I thought this would be it, time to move on to holiday talk, but she sensed this was her moment. A wayward soul who just wanted a Brazilian had, luckily for me, walked into her healing hands.

"Were your parents ok with it?"

"Actually yeah, they were pretty great."


"Um, yeah... Really." She began to apply a layer of wax.

"But do you ever get nervous now that when you tell people they'll be like... disgusted? Or not, like, whatever..."

"I like to think the news is not the cause of too much dry heaving."


Then shit got deep.

"I just think, you know, that like, men who are creative are like, told that they're gay, you know? Like, they think that because they can decorate a room, they're like, 'I must be gay' - you see?"

"Not totally."

"No like, you know with girls too, it might be that someone says to a girl, 'You can't get a boyfriend, so you're probably a lesbian.' So she thinks that she is one, you know?"

I tried to explain that Claire Balding and I weren't with women as a result of a dry spell, then asked:

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Yes, we met in church. Do you go to church?"

"I do not."

"I suppose in that way we're similar, you know, like, me and him have church in common, and you and her have... You know."

"It is handy that we both like vaginas. That's mainly what we talk about."

"And do you love her?"

"A lot." She frowned again.

"You don't think it's just a special friendship?"

"I am not in love with my friends."

"But you came out when you were, what did you say, 22? To keep it quiet all that time you must have known that like, well, it's wrong, you know?"

"No I just thought no one would talk to me any more."

A pause...

"All done! There we go. You know, what we say, is that there's a special balance between a man and a woman-"

I was about to cut her off with something graphic and bring this to a close, but looked down to see she'd done a pretty good job - which leaves me with a dilemma; to return to Tebbit or not?

I remain utterly baffled as to why one person cares who another falls in love with.