09/05/2013 11:57 BST | Updated 09/07/2013 06:12 BST

TV: The Apprentice


I like the opening five minutes of The Apprentice the best I think. Mainly because of the contestants' VTs; which this year contained some very bold and arousing statements.

"I am a great of my generation. I take inspiration from Napoleon." So says a small

man wearing ladies sunglasses.

"I'M HALF MACHINE." Says one woman, who knows she has put herself way ahead already in that cardboard costume.

"Some people might come to this competition with a game plan... I just feel my effortless superiority will take me all the way." Says Ed Miliband.


"I believe that I'm the new breed of businessman."


Then their vow of commitment to Alan:

"I will fight to the death to be Lord Sugar's business partner..."

"I will do anything... cheating... manipulating... I will do it."

"I will go down on you, Alan."


Cut to a brief and haunting side profile of Alan, and we're away.

The contestants form two teams of girls and boys, and are given a shipping container full of shit to sell. (Water... loo roll... cat litter...)

The boys manage to shift all the water first, and Sunglasses, overcome, goes for a high five that nobody takes him up on.

The girls meanwhile are running around Oxford Street trying to sell lucky Chinese cats, and The Machine is giving sales advice: "We don't need to look or smell desperate."

A very frantic man on the boys' team is trying to sell high vis jackets, and I wonder if he has double dropped in the taxi, as he waggles his arms around in the air and says:

"Y'know, maybe, if, we could like, meet in the middle, or like, God this table feels gooooood doesn't it? My word it's silky. Do they make clothes out of this?"

"That is oak, Tim."

"Mmmmmmmm oak."

All of a sudden it's 4pm, and Alan tells them to stop selling. They troop into the boardroom to be judged.

Alan's not happy; they're all shit. The boys win the challenge, but really everyone's terrible and it makes him despair. He sighs and stools himself in exasperation.

As team leader, Machine is brought back in with two others of her choosing. They argue for ages and then Machine does something awful:

"Ohhhh MAN..."

"No, I'm not 'man' - I'm Lord Sugar" he replies, fondling his name badge

"Oh I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

But it's too late. You've fucked it Machine, and with that, she's fired.

Unexpectedly there was a second episode last night. You are probably all fatigued by now so I will give it to you in a nugget. The task was to make and sell beer.

Eyebrows wore two coats.


The boys sent people who don't drink beer to make it.

Despite this, the girls' team (plus Amphetamine/Tim) lost again.

He came back in with two others and implored -

"I've got hands Alan, look at them." Or something that sounded like that. He may be on a comedown by now. Tim is fired. Poor Tim.