26/04/2013 07:29 BST | Updated 25/06/2013 06:12 BST

TV: The Voice UK

Having decided I loathed The X Factor beyond most human capacity (in part because they never included my 'I whip my pear back and forth' Talk Talk submission for the ad break), I have been 100% sucked into The Voice.

It might say something about deep-rooted psychological problems, but I basically tune in to revel in my fury towards all judges bar Tom. By the ten minute mark I'll be clawing at my face whilst Danny stands on a rotating chair, rosary beads bouncing gently against the fold of an open waistcoat.

I've never liked O'Donoghue on account of his ridiculous music to be fair. I think this sentiment was really sealed upon release of The Script's 47th familiarly-themed song, when he was still telling us about dragging himself along a pavement on his stomach screaming some girl's name and sobbing.

Add to this the fact that all he ever says is:

"Tone tone, tone toney-tone - and I like his tone [silently mouthing 'GOOD TONE' at Will]" and I really haven't warmed to him.

Jessie is hilarious. I like when she fingers her buzzer like Mystic Meg on a lot of cocaine. She also cannot physically allow another vocal to take centre stage for more than 4.5 minutes I've noticed.

Someone else had been performing for too long the other day, so she was forced to sing her reply at them.

"I want to LEaRn hOW you doOoOo thaTT. WooooaaaaHOOHoh. Yeah."

If she can though she likes to get out of the chair completely. This was actually what hooked me in during the first episode - seeing her writhing around in passion at the feet of a large contestant.

I'd like it if, instead of being all 'Yeah, woo! Let's jam!', one singer was like 'Actually you know what, no. No. Can we cut the music please? Fuck off, Jessie.'

It's unlikely to happen any time soon though seeing as, in a recent episode, they actually wheeled on a stalker. And I'm not even exaggerating this time! On the VT he was basically caught licking a Do It Like a Dude cd single in his bedroom wearing a glossy black wig.

When she inevitably got up to embrace him I was hoping he'd make like the nunnery boy from Charlie's Angels and release a bloody scream, tearing out a handful of her hair and sniffing it; sadly they just swayed on stage together, although he defs will have gone home with some crispy orange peel from her dressing room.

Finally there's Will.I.Am, and I'm still not sure where to put him. I thought he was in the loathe box pre-The Voice, but it turns out he's just completely mad. I don't know why I didn't realise sooner, like when he got a bookshelf put on his head, but there we go. He's entertaining either way for sure.

My only request, if I could ask something of him, would be that he smiles less. He is incredibly gummy and it always startles me.