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If you have teens in the house, engaging them in conversation can be a real challenge. First, there are those ever-present headphones. Are they on? Are they off? Do your words reach them as the wah-wah trombone sounds of the Charlie Brown teacher? Are you just silently, futilely flapping your lips?
As for a response, if you get one, itâs likely to be an eye roll, an unintelligible grunt or a sharp takedown. I find that whenever I try to bring up the topic of feelings, Iâm quickly accused of sounding âlike a therapistâ or being âso cringe.â
If you (and your bruised ego) can survive these initial obstacles, however, the rewards of talking to your teen are well worth the struggle. Youâll get to know whatâs on their mind and how theyâre experiencing the world while strengthening the connection between the two of you.
But to keep the conversation going and improve the odds that theyâll want to talk to you in the future, there are some pitfalls youâll want to avoid. HuffPost asked a number of professionals who work with families and children what things you shouldnât say to a teen.
âItâs not that big of a deal.â
Something that seems minor to you may feel significant to your teen. This phrase can âtrivialise what a teen feels,â parenting coach Traci Baxley told HuffPost.
It might âmake them feel misunderstood or dismissed, potentially leading them to believe that their feelings are overblown or unwelcome,â she continued. It may also discourage a teen from coming to you in the future.
As an alternative, Baxley suggested, you could say: âI can see this is really important to you. Letâs talk about whatâs going on.â
âWhy canât you be more like [sibling/friend]?â
These kinds of comparisons are hurtful at any age. Society will bombard your child with messages that they arenât good enough as they are, that they need to buy certain products to help them become a better version of themselves, clinical psychologist Nanika Coor told HuffPost. âItâs that much more damaging to a 16-year-oldâs developing self-worth when those sentiments are coming from your own parents.â
Coor suggested that instead of focusing on how your child measures up, âappreciate their individuality and accept their unique developmental trajectory.â
If there is something that theyâre struggling with and want to do better, Baxley said, a different way to approach it could be asking: âLetâs talk about your goals and what youâre working towards. How do you feel about your progress in [area]? What are some things youâd like to improve, and how can I help you achieve these?â
âYou should ______.â
âNever open a discussion with advice,â Frank Anderson, psychiatrist and author of the memoir To Be Loved, told HuffPost.
First, he said, âitâs important for them to first feel heard, seen and validated.â Anderson advised âstarting a conversation by listening and being curious about their experience.â
Itâs important not to assume that you understand them, so check in by asking âHere is what Iâm hearing you say, is that correct?â Once theyâre confident that youâve truly heard what they have to say, âthen you can ask them if theyâre interested in your view or opinion,â Anderson said. Some parents ask directly, âDo you want my advice? Or do you just want to vent?â
You may also find that if you keep asking questions (âWhat do you think you should do?â âHow could you respond?â) kids will talk their own way through to a solution or next step. Sometimes you can be most helpful as a sounding board.
âEnjoy life now, before you have adult responsibilities or real problems.â
We need to try to imagine what things look like from our teenâs perspective, not our adult one. âStatements that ask them to suspend the present in essence by focusing on the future land as quite minimising to their life and reality,â Silvia Kaminsky, therapist and board president of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, told HuffPost.
Saying things like this âcan also lead to hopelessness because if they are having such a hard go at it now, how much worse will it be when life gets harder, or entails more responsibilities?â Kaminsky added.
âYouâre so irresponsible â whatâs wrong with you?â
Not only is this phrase hurtful and likely to rouse your childâs defences, âit doesnât offer any information about the impact of their actions or alternatives for what they couldâve done instead,â Coor said.
Avoiding these harsh criticisms doesnât mean that you âlet them get away with it,â however. You can talk about your feelings and propose that you try to come up with a solution together. Coor offered the following example: âIâm really frustrated with whatâs happened here. Letâs talk about how we can handle this situation together.â
âAt this rate, youâll never amount to anything!â
Your intention may be to motivate your child, but âthis is a hurtful attack on your teenâs self-esteem that can fuel insecurity and anxiety â ultimately discouraging them from pursuing their goals,â Coor said. Instead, take a moment to set aside your own frustration and offer words of support. Coor suggested saying: âI believe in you. I know you can figure this out.â
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âIt doesnât matter what other people think of you.â
Although you may believe this to be true, you also know that your teen cares a lot about their peersâ approval. They âhave not had time to develop skills to counter the feelings associated with their peersâ opinions,â Vanessa Bradden, a licensed therapist in Chicago, told HuffPost.
If a friend or classmate has said something upsetting about them, try to say something that both validates their hurt and offers reassurance by highlighting another perspective of what happened. Bradden offered this example: âI am sorry to hear that. Being 16 can be tricky; sometimes, people say things they donât mean because they are having a hard time or having a bad day. It is OK to feel bad and remember that you are more than someone elseâs bad day.â
âThat happened to me too when I was your age.â
Itâs tempting to jump right in and relay a similar experience that you may have had, proving the validity of your empathy, but this kind of a response isnât always what kids need. âRelating it to yourself has the effect of making it about you,â Kaminsky said.
Your teen may not feel heard, or that youâre not recognising they are different from you and their experience is unique. Instead of hijacking the conversation with your own narrative, try to use your experiences to guide the questions that you ask. âRemember how you felt in that similar circumstance and ask them if thatâs how they are feeling,â Kaminsky suggested.
âIf I would have said that to my parent, they would have ______.â
Itâs impossible sometimes not to compare your teenâs experiences to your own, but itâs not always a good idea to share these thoughts with your child. âIt can make teens feel that their own experiences and feelings are being judged against outdated standards,â Baxley said.
Also, if youâre talking about the ways that you were punished, kids might hear âan implied threat or warning of harsh consequences, which might instil fear or anxiety rather than understanding or respect.â
That doesnât mean you donât address it when your child says something unacceptable, however. Baxley suggested turning to the following phrases instead: âIn our family, one of our core values is respecting each other even when we disagree. Letâs figure out how we can discuss this in a way that works for both of us,â âWhen you say things like that, it makes me feel [insert emotion]. Can we talk about what led to that comment?â
âYouâre fine.â
While perhaps true in the long run, your child is not feeling fine at the moment, and saying otherwise minimises their experience. It can be difficult for teens to cope with their big feelings.
Ellen Galinsky, author of parenting guide âThe Breakthrough Years,â told HuffPost that it may be helpful for parents to see their teensâ emotions as a necessary part of their growth rather than a problem to be avoided: âAdolescents are primed to be like emotional detectors. As they move out into the world, they are primed to react strongly to experiences so they can learn when they are safe or not, belong or not, can be themselves or not. I think of these big feelings as developmentally necessary.â
Instead of dismissing them, you might say, âIt looks like youâre upset. Do you want to talk about it?â
âYouâre so smart.â
This can seem counterintuitive. Donât we want kids to know we think theyâre smart? The trouble is, âwhen kids are told how smart and capable they are, it creates pressure or a standard that they constantly need to strive for â or constantly fall short of,â Anderson said.
Instead, compliment how hard they worked on something or how they were able to overcome challenges. Saying something like, ââI know you as a hard worker, and no matter how challenging things become, when you keep working through tough moments, things tend to work out for the betterâ ... is ultimately a healthier message, and more attainable,â Anderson said.
Other Expert-Backed Advice For Talking To Your Teen
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Give them their space, and respect when they say theyâre not ready to talk
When Baxley posed the question to her own teens, they said that they dislike it when, early in the morning or right after school or practice, their parents bombard them with countless questions. They also find it frustrating when theyâve indicated they donât feel like talking, yet their parents persist or respond with anger.
If your teen doesnât feel like talking to you, you could say something like, âI understand you might need some quiet time right now; I sometimes feel that way, too. Letâs both take some time and talk later,â Baxley said.
Admit your mistakes
You may say some of the phrases above, or make other missteps. That doesnât mean youâre doomed. But it does give you an opportunity to strengthen your relationship through repair.
âDonât be afraid to mess up and make mistakes in talking to your youth, they love it when parents can admit they got it wrong, and course-correct â gives them hope for themselves!â Kaminsky said.
Try using âa part of meâ language
Anderson suggested that parents say things such as, âA part of me is hurt/sad/frustrated by what Iâm hearing from you right now.â This phrasing âhelps kids understand that they are not âall badâ or it is not all their fault,â Anderson said. It also âimplies that we feel other things about them too, such as love, admiration, and trust.â
Validate their feelings while reassuring them that they wonât last forever
One of the researchers that Galinsky interviewed, University of California, Los Angeles psychologist Jennifer Silvers, told her: âMy mother told me something to the effect of, âRight now this feels like everything, but someday youâll look back and it will seem like just one experience of many.ââ Galinsky said this response avoids being confrontational or dismissive, accepts the teenâs feelings and offers âa tool for reframing an overwhelming moment.â