THE BLOG
02/01/2019 15:28 GMT | Updated 02/01/2019 15:29 GMT

Why The Breakup Cliché 'It's Not You, It's Me' Is Such a Hard Pill to Swallow

To anyone reading this that is suffering with that dull heartache that comes with being left by a partner and has had to tolerate those five awful words, please know that you aren’t to blame

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It goes without saying that breakups are always tough, no matter the circumstances.

Whether you’re the one instigating the split or the one painfully accepting it, whether you feel that devastating heartbreak instantly or a few weeks, perhaps months, down the line, we’ll all experience the end of a relationship at some point in our lives and it’s always going to hurt.

There’s no ‘ideal’ way for a relationship to end and there’s a million and one reasons why couples do go their separate ways but from personal experience, I’d argue that being split up with on the grounds of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ is an extremely tough pill to swallow.

Some breakups come with warning, others bring with them relief but the breakups that spring up on you out of nowhere with the reasoning that ‘it’s nothing you’ve done wrong’, are understandably difficult to accept and therefore, get over.

We grow up laughing about the one liner ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. It’s often used in a joking way but when you’re faced with the reality that your relationship is being brought to an end because the other party isn’t happy anymore, it’s not such a funny cliché comment anymore.

I understand that nobody should ever have to stay in a relationship where they don’t feel content or satisfied but using the reasoning, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ or any similar wording of that phrase is never a way to end a relationship, no matter how short or long.

There’s always a reason of some kind why a relationship can’t continue. In some cases its obvious, if someone is disloyal or the relationship becomes toxic, then it’s clear to see why things should come to an end but even in relationships where things are far less dramatic, if you feel it needs to end, there must be some reason.

Sometimes you grow apart, sometimes your lives change and you’re no longer right for each other, sometimes you just don’t get on anymore, they’re all genuine, understandable reasons why someone may choose to leave a partner and they’re all far easier to accept than ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.

I know first hand that when your other half ends your relationship on the basis that it’s their issue, not yours, it just isn’t that simple. I found myself begging for a reason why. I couldn’t let my relationship end on the grounds that my other half just wasn’t happy but for no particular reason, how is anyone supposed to swallow that and move on?

Being left for that reason leaves you open to blaming yourself. It’s inevitable, you’re going to hunt for more solid reasons why your relationship didn’t make it and the first place you’re going to look is at yourself, your own faults.

I found myself picking apart every little thing I had said and done for the duration of the relationship. Wondering whether that annoying habit could’ve been the reason, or what about that time I caused that argument? I found myself lying awake at night mulling over every crossed word and every angry moment we shared and genuinely wondering whether that was the actual reason he called it a day.

No breakup is ever going to be easy to take, especially when it comes out of nowhere but any kind of reason you can hold on to is bound to make the journey to accepting the end of a relationship a little easier, which is why I genuinely think that relationships that end with a simple, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ are some of the worst.

To anyone reading this that is suffering with that dull heartache that comes with being left by a partner and has had to tolerate those five awful words, please know that you aren’t to blame and you can’t spend your days looking for a reason that isn’t there to find.

I’ve done it. I still do sometimes. For someone who has to have a reason for everything, having my relationship end with no solid reason to blame, just the painful reality that it wasn’t what he wanted anymore, was like I’ve said before, a hard pill to swallow.

Sources such as Healthline highlight how depression can occur after a breakup and although any breakup can lead to severe mental health problems, I know first hand how having no reason to come to terms with made accepting the failure of my relationship so much tougher.

If you’re going through a breakup, no matter what the reason, don’t suffer in silence. Do not blame yourself if you have nothing else to blame, do not sit and regret every time you snapped or spoke your mind. Sometimes relationships end through no fault of your own and although that simply does not feel like a good enough explanation for your world falling apart, believe in yourself enough to know that when someone says you did nothing wrong, that you really didn’t.

Time’s a healer and you will move on. You will see clearer one day and you will eventually be able to accept that although the reasoning of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ was painful to accept, it was the truth, you didn’t do anything wrong and that’s something you can hold on to going forward.