29/03/2018 12:01 BST | Updated 29/03/2018 12:01 BST

Dear Facebook, I'm Writing To Say Goodbye

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Dear Facebook

I’m writing to say goodbye.

It feels kinda weird, I know. We’ve been mates for ten years. I know you’re sad to see me go - you’ve made that abundantly clear - but you know how it is, sometimes friends grow apart.

We’ve had some good times, some laughs. We’ve looked at people we used to know and judged their life choices - particularly anyone married or abroad. There was that time my flatmate left you logged-in and we asked people on fetish groups to send her dirty messages. And there was the time I went to Magaluf and I shared everything with you, even things I shouldn’t have. That was fun. But I trusted you then. Now I’m just not sure who you’re talking to. You’ve never been great at keeping secrets, let’s be honest.

But it’s more than that. We want different things now. I want to forget about most people I’ve ever met, especially anyone I went to school with and anyone who can still pull off a bikini. Maybe one day I’ll have a little squishy baby that I won’t want you to know about (to be honest mate, I’ve always been a bit suspicious of you where babies are concerned). Maybe - I dunno - maybe I just want to be a better person.

You’ve never really grown up, y’know? If I’m honest, you’re a bit needy. You always want to know what I’m reading and what I’m watching - and what I think about the things I’m reading and watching. You even want to know what I’m buying and then you keep offering me more of the thing I’ve literally just bought. Honestly mate, it’s a bit much. I have started to suspect that your motivations might be financial.

And then recently you’ve been making some pretty creepy friends. You’ve lowered your standards and honestly - I think you’re being used. I know you think they’re cool but it’s changed you.

So it’s goodbye Facebook. Please don’t try and contact me, I think it’s better we have a clean break.

Best wishes


P.s. I’ve just heard you own WhatsApp now (why didn’t you tell me!?) so although I am saying goodbye, I’ll probs see you in about half an hour (I’m arranging a group holiday and quite frankly, how else am I expected to do it?).