There is nothing like sleeping with someone for the first time, the anticipation, the anxiety and that awkward feeling that maybe you might just live to regret this one.
1. Expectation: You will be invited over for a casual no-strings-attached night of Netflix N’ Chill.
Reality: You are being invited over to watch back-to-back boxsets and stay firmly in the friend zone.
2. Expectation: You will have a night filled with wild spontaneous passion.
Reality: You feel tired ten minutes after getting into bed and wonder if it is too soon to go to sleep.
3. Expectation: You will really impress with your matching underwear that has been carefully thought out.
Reality: You are made to take it off within 30 seconds and might as well have saved yourself the washing.
4. Expectation: You will be participating in the real-life equivalent of ‘Friends With Benefits’.
Reality: You can’t stop thinking about the fact you still haven’t paid your council tax this month while they’re going down on you.
5. Expectation: You’ll slide seamlessly from foreplay to sex.
Reality: You have to awkwardly hop around the room in the dark looking for a condom.
6. Expectation: You will try something new and make this the pinnacle of your sex life.
Reality: You knee them in the lip and have to halt proceedings for ten minutes to get some frozen peas.
7. Expectation: You will be able to be as loud as you like.
Reality: You are horribly aware of the paper-thin bedroom walls and three housemates sleeping in close proximity.
8. Expectation: You’ll have the best orgasm ever.
Reality: You have to finish yourself after 70 minutes of pretending it is happening.
9. Expectation: You will work up a sexy glow from your passionate activities.
Reality: You wonder why you didn’t bring your asthma pump.
10. Expectation: You will spoon and have great pillow talk where you discover all your common interests.
Reality: You put it off for as long as possible but eventually have to awkwardly shuffle out to the bathroom.
11. Expectation: You will have soft focus morning sex.
Reality: You didn’t bring a toothbrush and just face the wall hoping they’ve forgotten you are there.
12. Expectation: You will be cooked a three-course breakfast in bed.
Reality: You have a piece of chewing gum on the way to work.
13. Expectation: You will remember all the finer details of the encounter.
Reality: You don’t remember anything.
14. Expectation: You will use this as a hilarious anecdote at your wedding when you have a semi-detached property and a family dog.
Reality: You sleep together once more and then ghost each other.