Let’s face it: nobody likes awkward conversations.
Whether it’s a big deal, like a breakup, or something smaller like that beloved T-shirt your sister “borrowed”, calling someone you love out is tricky.
Depending on the amount of money involved, un-repaid pennies can cause everything from minor annoyance to an irreparable rift.
But the question of how to broach the topic without hurting your friend’s feelings, or damaging an otherwise-lovely relationship, is equally sticky – regardless of how much has been lent.
So, we spoke to Georgia Galloway, a financial expert at Finbri, to work out how best to have The Chat – and she also shared tips on how to avoid monetary misunderstandings in the future.
The language you use matters
It feels like every conflict resolution expert agrees: using “I” statements, instead of “you”, is a really helpful way to get your message across without the other person feeling like you’re accusing them.
And Galloway adds that when it comes to talking about debt, you can add some “our” and “we” statements, too.
“Using ‘our’ over ‘you’ will ensure that the recipient doesn’t feel the need to be defensive or that they are about to engage in confrontation,” she says.
No matter who’s to blame, it’s rarely a good idea to use words that make your conversational partner feel accused.
For the love of Martin Lewis, don’t belabour the point
The thing about unpaid loans is that they can quickly become an elephant in the room. You know your friend hasn’t paid it, they know they still owe you, and skirting around the issue passive-aggressively is unlikely to make the matter progress sooner.
As Galloway says, the person you lent money to is likely to feel ashamed and embarrassed about not paying you back. So keeping your questions relating to the unpaid money short, sweet, and direct as possible is advisable, says Galloway.
She also says that your friends could have a completely different idea of what counts as repayment. Maybe they thought taking you out for dinner with their new work friends counted towards those concert tickets you lent them money for, or perhaps that housewarming gift they gave you was meant to free them of their late-night taxi loan.
“What may be obvious to you may not be obvious to the borrower,” says Galloway. So it’s important to be “clear and concise about what you consider to be a debt paid in full.“
In other words, all those barbed compliments about your friend’s expensive new car or pricey vacation will probably go unnoticed and may even build resentment. It’s kinder for both of you to tackle the problem directly.
When is the amount of money worth the stress of bringing it up?
When it bothers you, basically.
That pesky, relationship-ruining resentment can build quickly if you feel your friend doesn’t value your resources as much as you do, but are keeping your thoughts to yourself.
And as Galloway says, “what is a small amount to one person may not be a small amount to another, you are always entitled to ask for what is owed.”
Speaking of... what if I know my friend is broke?
It can be extra tough to ask for money back when you know your friend is struggling.
But you don’t need to take on a tough bounty hunter persona to start the money conversation, Galloway says.
You might want to talk about payment plans or come to an agreement you know the person can manage, rather than giving both of you the stress of an unrealistic one-and-done repayment date.
“Such a proposal opens a wider conversation and a safe space for your friend to talk about their worries and voice any concerns that they have with regards to paying you back,” says Galloway.
It can be relaxing for both parties to feel like the repayment option is realistic and doable.
What can I do to prevent this from happening again?
Even if you take all these tips, the “So... about that money” chat is still tough to have.
Luckily, Galloway has some tips to keep in mind the next time you broker a deal with a pal. These include:
- Agree on a return date as soon as possible,
- Make sure you’re OK with what they’re spending the money on – and if you don’t really know, make sure you’re alright with that, too,
- If you haven’t got the money to lose, unfortunately, it’s probably not money you can lend either, and ultimately:
- Remember that if they were comfortable enough to ask, you should feel comfortable enough to ask for it back.