How To Write A Sext That Doesn't Suck

Stay thirsty, my friends.
AleksandarNakic via Getty Images

Sexting: It’s the great equalizer. It doesn’t matter if you’re Jeff Bezos and worth $135 billion, when horniness calls, you have to send that thirst text.

For those living under a rock, the Amazon CEO recently exposed The National Enquirer after being threatened with the publication of intimate photos of him and his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez. (He’s also going through a divorce.)

It didn’t help that Bezos’ texts to Sanchez were a little cringe-y. “I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon,” Bezos allegedly wrote in one text.

Naturally, the text was ripe for the meme-ing.

live footage of alive girl

— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) January 10, 2019

“Jeff Bezos sexts like he’s an AI in a human suit,” writer Dana Schwartz tweeted.

Jokes aside, who among us hasn’t dashed off a dirty text that read a little awkwardly? These days, sexting is a common part of early-phase intimate relationships. According to Michelle Drouin, a psychology professor at Purdue University Fort Wayne, more than 80 percent of young American adults have sent or received an explicit message or photo.

“It’s a way to establish intimacy with a partner, to tell them you’re having sexual thoughts about them, to convey sexual plans that you might have with them later on,” she told The Atlantic earlier this month. “This is all part of the normative sexual experience now.”

Billionaires: They really are just like us. (Though, frankly, we’re a little disappointed; what good is it being the richest man in the world if you have to sext like the rest of us? You’d think he could’ve at least holographed his junk.)

Since we’re all clearly busy thirst texting, we figured it was time to write a primer on how to draft a text that wouldn’t embarrass you if it went public. Whether you’re rolling in the dough or a frequenter of the McDonald’s dollar menu, we hope you find it useful.

Make sure it’s consensual.

You wouldn’t send an unsolicited dick pic to someone, right? That goes for an unwanted dirty text, said Kenneth Play, a sex educator and coach in Brooklyn, New York. Read the room. Only send a sext if you’re at a level of intimacy where it makes sense to do so.

“If you spam with an offer, it doesn’t matter how good the offer is, it’s still spam,” Play said. “Make sure your sexting is not unsolicited, but is welcome and expected.”

Aim to be genuine and honest about how you feel in your messages, versus overly sexy.

If you rarely sext ― or are a recently single billionaire who primarily lives in Seattle ― don’t feel like you have to jump into the deep end with how explicit you are. You’re not writing a porn scene or erotica; you’re trying to connect with your S.O. in a sexy, genuine way. If you’re feeling a little shy, emojis (🍑,🍆) are always helpful.

“Build anticipation, and don’t be afraid to be silly,” said Heather McPherson, a sex therapist and owner of Respark Therapy in Austin, Texas, and Denver.

“It might be helpful to use innuendo at first as well,” she explained. “Be subtle about what you would like to do with them or subtly reference a previous experience you’ve had together. Leave it up to the imagination to fill in the gaps.”

when he wants you to do all those nasty things you sexted to him when you were bored and lonely

— judgmental gay (@jdgmntlgay) July 18, 2015

Tailor the text to your S.O.

You know what gets your partner off. Draw on your erotic knowledge of them while you’re texting, working in their fantasies and some of the hottest moments you’ve shared in bed.

“Personally, I love receiving a sext where someone really knows my arousal and kink ― whether it’s photos or words ― something that crafts a story that just perfectly tickles my brain and turns me on,” Play said. “Psychological arousal is so potent.”

My flannel panties would look good on your bedroom floor next to your long johns.

-Canadian sext.

— WineMummy (@WineMummy) February 8, 2019

How many pieces of ham come stacked in a Lunchables? Trying to get this sext right.

— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) February 7, 2019

Describe what you’re doing without skimping on the details.

Dirty talk doesn’t have to be complicated: As sex columnist Dan Savage once summed up, the best dirty talk is simple and straightforward: “Tell ’em what you’re going to do, tell ’em what you’re doing, tell ’em what you did.”

The same general guidelines apply to sexting, said Andrea Glik, a therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Collective in New York City.

“A memorable sext is any sext that makes you feel like what the person is describing is happening right now,” she said. “Detail, detail, detail!”

So, for instance, instead of telling your partner you can’t wait to have your way with them, explain exactly what you’re going to do to them later, word for word.

“Tell them how you’re feeling, too,” Gilk said. “Write, ‘You should feel how hard/wet I am,’ ‘I can’t concentrate. All I can think about is you,’ or ‘I need your body.’”

If you receive a thirst text or nude pic, show appreciation for it.

And now a little etiquette on receiving a dirty text: Please do not think this is the time to be brief in your reply. If someone has sent you a sext or nude, make sure you’re doing more than sending a thumbs up emoji in response.

“No ‘nice tits’ replies. Comment on what they’re wearing, the background, scenery, lighting, and use sophisticated language,” Play said. “I often say something like, ‘I love the curve of your lower back and how it moves down into your beautiful ass.’ You’ve really got to add some poetry to it.”

It really is that simple: Make sure the sexting is consensual, know your audience and get a little playful.

Go forth and get your sext on, all you billionaires, millionaires, thousandaires and hundredaires out there.

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