12 Things You Only Know If You Have Masturbated At Work

The jack of all trades.

In the aftermath of the emotional rollercoaster that was 2016, it seems we have all resolved to practice a little more self-love in the next twelve months.

And we’re not going to be shy about when and where the mood takes us.

A recent poll by Metro - that supports one carried out by Time Out New York in 2015 - has revealed that between 37-39% of people are regularly masturbating at work. (The number may fluctuate because the poll is still active.)

Just think about that, over one third of your colleagues nipping off for a quick bit of self-relief while you are stuck talking quarterly sales figures.

While we are pleased you’re all making full use of your lunchbreak, what we had in mind was a bit more ‘walk to Pret’, as opposed to climaxing in the communal canteen.

Here are 12 things you only know if you are a work wanker.

1. The daily scheduling of a one-to-one meeting in your calendar.

2. The smugness of getting paid for an orgasm.

3. The joy when your favourite toilet cubicle is free.

4. The fear on the day you wear black trousers.

5. The horror of hearing your bosses voice mid-way through.

6. The realisation that you have a cup of tea that is going cold on your desk.

7. The suspicion that this is why your colleagues all keep hand cream on their desk.

8. The last laugh when a colleague steals your keyboard.

9. The frustration that it isn’t a socially acceptable alternative to a cigarette break.

10. The guilty dread that everyone knows where you’ve been.

11. The wishing that your performance could be included in your annual review.

12. The temptation to tell your colleagues at your leaving party.

We only hope you’re all washing your hands.