For every magical, sparks-fly first date, there are probably at least two or three (or 10!) that you’d pay good money to forget.
But if you’re listening to other people sharing stories about their own dating lives, those train-wreck dates are infinitely more enjoyable to hear about. In that spirit, we asked comedians and other funny people to share the one thing someone said or did on a first date that instantly ruled out a second. See what they had to say below.
Responses have been lightly edited for clarity and length.
The one with the spitball
“A man coughed sputum into his hand, showed it to me, like a yellow oyster, and licked it off. In retrospect, I should have left then, but I was frozen like a deer in headlights with the power of the literal ick.” ― Virginia Jones, a comedian and the host of the podcast “My Sister’s A Therapist”
The one with the woobie
“Ron picked me up at my house in his Jeep. As I hopped in his car, I noticed something light green and fuzzy in the back seat. I knew he had kids so I asked innocently, ‘Is that your child’s baby blanket?’ He replied matter of factly, ‘No, that’s my woobie.’ Looking for clarification, I repeated, ‘You mean that’s your daughter’s woobie?’ He got indignant and said, ‘No, she has her own woobie ― that’s mine!’ I wanted to tell him to turn around and take me home but I reluctantly went along on the date.” ― KarenLee Poter, the co-host of the podcast “Sex Talk With My Mom”
The one with the attempted murderer
“I was once on a date with a girl that was initially going well until about halfway through the date, when she began to mention her ex and how much we looked alike. She kept asking if I had a brother (which I do) and then proceeded to show me pictures of said ex so that I could agree I looked like him? (I did not think we did!) That wasn’t even the final straw. She went on to tell me how he cheated on her and treated her badly while casually dropping the line, ‘I tried to kill him once… he is lucky he got out of that one’ with a straight face, no hints of sarcasm. I immediately got up and left after that.” ― Benny Nwokeabia, a writer and stand-up comedian
The one with the calves aficionado
“I went on a first date with a man who explained what was wrong with each of the last eight women he’d gone on first dates with. For one, it was her calves. The whole premise of his explanation was bad, but that one was definitely a deal breaker. He also tried to be relatable about it, but I could not. I don’t even really see men’s calves before we have sex and I’d like to keep it that way.” ― Ginny Hogan, a stand-up comedian and author of “I’m More Dateable than a Plate of Refried Beans: And Other Romantic Observations”
The one with the private investigator
“I gave my cell number to a guy at the end of our first date. He called later that evening to tell me he’d done a little research and found out that I was married, mentioned my ‘husband’s’ name and called me a liar and a cheat. The name was my dad’s. We were on a family share plan. Needless to say, there wasn’t a second date.” ― Janet Quinonez, a screenwriter and comedy producer
The one with the short man complex
“Tall women are truly subjected to the worst pick-up lines. Being 6′0”, I’m always on edge on dates because I’m just waiting for the moment where someone comments on my height in a way that makes me want to evaporate. One time, I was on a date and before the appetisers even came out, he said ’You may be 6′0 standing up, but i’m 6′0 laying down.′ I immediately said, ‘Check please!’” ― Jasmine Burton, a lawyer and stand-up comedian
The one with the racist
“She said the n-word.” ― Simon Fraser, a standup comedian
The one with the garbage intellectual
“Halfway through a date, he turned to me and said, ‘I hope you know that this is more of a meeting of the minds’ and proceeded to let me know I could order anything from the Happy Hour menu. After he left, the bar owner came over and told me he heard the whole thing about ‘meeting of the minds’ and told me to call up two friends and he would pick up our tab for the rest of the night. So it ended up being a pretty great date... without my date!” ― Yue Xu, the co-host and creator of the podcast “Dateable”
The one with the man who loves mess
“Within the first 10 minutes, my date said, ‘I have a restraining order against my ex-wife, but she’s still my best friend and the love of my life.’ That just sounded like he was already in several complicated relationships, and that I should go. But, it was my first time going to eat at Lemonade, and I enjoyed that!” ― Jones
The one with the mom
“Once a girl’s mom showed up in the middle of the date. They both talked about a wedding they had to go to, ordered food, ate and left together.” ― Mohtasham Yaqub, a stand-up comedian
The one with the orgasm king
“I was running a bit behind to the date so I texted him to let him know and he offered to order me a drink. I arrived to a traditionally handsome finance bro about 10 years my senior, holding a salted rim, spicy margarita. After we cheersed, we locked eyes to take our first sip and just as the liquid was about to hit my lip, he blurted out, loudly, ‘I can make any woman orgasm.’ No ‘How was your day?’ Not one ‘What is your favourite movie?’ Just right out of the gate with orgasming.
“I closed my eyes, pulled the drink away from my mouth, exhaled and said, ‘OK, curious, what’s the technique?’ To which he said he always enlists the help of a Magic Wand. I set my drink down, told him that he isn’t credited for giving the women an orgasm, the toy was ― and said that some amount of small talk would have been a nice lubrication to that opener. Then I excused myself from that date ― and from future dates ― for many months because, as he said… all we needed was a little magic, after all.” ― Mara Marek, a comedian and the host of the podcast “It’s A Maravelous Life”