Wouldn’t it be fun to be a toddler, just for one day? To forget the rules of polite behaviour we’ve spent a lifetime mastering, or the social constraints that stop us acting like loonbags whenever we want. Imagine being able to pretty much do what you want when you want and have lots of people smile at you - except when you’re having a public meltdown. Although that might be the most fun of all.
Here are our toddler rules to living we’d like to try:
1. Wearing variations of these: stripy tights, dungarees, A-line pinafores, hats with comedy ears, animal backpacks, bright red kickers and looking super-cute and not like Winnie the Witch crossed with someone who lives in a tree.
2. Knowing that wellies and a super hero or princess mermaid outfit is a MUST for a trip to buy milk.
3. Lying prone on the floor wailing when you don’t want to do something. “I.... DON’T... WANT... TO... COOK... AGAIN, STUPID COOKING!!”
4. Falling asleep in a buggy, preferably in one of those cosy sheepskin sleeping bags, while someone else wheels you round and does all the boring shopping. Then waking up the moment you get home. Result!
5. Doing really rubbish ‘helping’ like sweeping, washing up with lots of bubbles or tidy-up-time and people telling you what a great job you’re doing.
6. Picking your nose on the bus while eyeballing the other passengers truculently.
7. Saying “No” and “Mine!” to everything on offer.
8. Grabbing the TV controls and never giving them back. Especially when Daddy wants to watch another documentary about sharks or war.
9. Losing interest in anything after 15 minutes and leaving it on the floor for someone else to tidy up or trip over.
10. Telling everyone in the supermarket you need to do a poo. Now.
11. Telling everyone you’re wearing big girl or big boy pants.
12. Always walking on the top of walls and when you have to go on boring pavements stopping every 10 seconds to lean over and ask “What dat?”
13. Whizzing around in circles until you’re dizzy and fall down. Just because. Whenever you want to.
14. Being pushed on the swings for HOURS and saying “higher, higher, more, more” whenever the pushing person shows signs of being a bit bored or tired.
15. Only ever eating the best bits and discarding the rest, like all the olives off the pizza or the chocolate centre of the croissant.
16. Eating blueberries/raspberries/grapes/strawberries very, very fast and never sharing.
17. Having a real life friend that no one else can see who always does just what you want to do, is funny and naughty and thinks you’re hilarious.
18. Thinking you’re invisible when you’re half hidden under a chair in a game of hide and seek. Better still, being able to fit under a chair.
19. Having a bath run for you, being dressed in soft pyjamas and read to until you feel super sleepy. Bliss!
20. Jumping on someone who’s sleeping - and that person being happy to be jumped on and biffed in the nose before their glasses are on and giving you big cuddles.