05/05/2015 11:12 BST | Updated 01/05/2016 06:12 BST

Undecided Voters: Cretins, Duplicitous Cretins or Attention Seeking Cretins?

There are many things in this world that I find vexing, some of greater import than others. Come election time there is nothing I find more vexing than the undecided voter. Does such a creature truly exist, one week out from an election? I don't buy it for a second, It is my believe that anyone telling you they are an undecided voter at this stage falls into one of three easily defined categories.

There are the Purebred Cretins (PC for short), within this category live the "pox on all their houses brigade", these are the one's who are always so keen to tell you how the parties are all the same. They will tell you with one breath, that all politicians are liars and cannot be trusted and complain with the next that those same politicians are not telling them enough. These PCs' can never explain how being given more detailed explanations about policies from a source that they will never believe can help them make their minds up. Constantly moaning about how they never have enough information to make a decision, they are wholly lacking in the gumption to seek out that information or the mental wherewithal to correctly interpret the information should they stumble across it. The PC will most likely not vote come polling day as they will still be waiting for more information long after the polls have closed.

The second category of undecided voter is the Duplicitous Cretin (DC for short), the DC as far as I can fathom is a decided voter who for some reason has come to the conclusion that it is easier to garner people to their cause by pretending to be an indecisive cretin. The DC can be spotted on social media, online newspaper and blog comment sections and television audience participation panels fairly easily. The giveaway for the DC is that, whilst they may always start of any discussion sounding even handed, as the debate heats up, they reflexively defend their cause thereby giving away their allegiance. A fine example of that can be found on the Victoria Derbyshire Show, today 1/5/2015. A lady who initially attempts to pass herself off as undecided is defending all things David Cameron and Tory as the audience discussion comes to a heated conclusion. How successful this ruse is I do not know, it must have some success, as so many try it. Maybe it is particularly successful with PCs?

The last category are the Attention Seeking Cretins (AC for short). The AC has certain traits in common with both the PC and DC brigades. Like the PC, the AC never has enough information, unlike the PC however this lack of information is not about ignorance but a lack of coverage of subjects dear to the ACs' heart. ACs' are always undecided because no one is talking about X or Y subject and if only someone would, their decision would be so easily made. Like the DC though the AC is already decided, a few insightful questions about the ACs' concerns and their view on it, will always point to a party which is stronger on the issue than others and the AC as a concerned voter will be aware of that. The AC plays the part of the undecided voter in the believe that doing so makes politicians keep their issue to the fore.

Whilst undecided voters are on the whole harmless, the amount of attention paid to them by the media makes for a dull and wearisome campaign, as reporters, politicians and undecided voters go round and round on the wheel of ignorance. Asking the same questions of politicians, getting the same answers from politicians, putting those answers to undecided voters and getting the same cretinous answers from undecided voters, going back to the politicians, repeat ad nauseaum. One week out from polling day I fear the next undecided voter I meet may find themselves the victim of a vicious wedgie.