After what seems like a thousand years, Celebrity Big Brother finally came to a close. Against the odds, Katie Price won. Katie Hopkins pretended not to mind, and mentally re-wrote the headline of her Sun column, as "How I came second" doesn't have quite the same ring to it as "I won but I still hate all of you."
First to be evicted was Michelle Visage, and my guess is she came fifth because she was friends with Hopkins. In her post-eviction, Michelle spoke like an advertising executive pitching at 4.30pm on a Friday to a disinterested client. "I was up against four big brands and I am honoured to be considered in their company." Hey, Cheggers is a brand, people! I liked Michelle and hope British TV offers her some suitable opportunities for work. She'd certainly shake up Downton Abbey, not to mention Emmerdale.
Next to get the boot was Keith Chegwin. The only one in the final able to boast a passing acquaintance with normality, Cheggers was nonetheless quite the troubled individual. Obsessed in equal measure with cleaning the house and telling jokes so limp an Asda Christmas cracker would be ashamed of them, he was unable to take even the mildest slight to his character without retiring to the Diary Room to blub. In fact he almost did a Les Dennis but at the last minute managed to hold it together. The crowds gave him a huge ovation. Why didn't you vote for him then, eh?
Professional moose knuckle and serial under-achiever Calum Best was third. He looked furious, as well he might, given that last year Jim Davidson won the whole thing, and Calum is at least a nicer person than the so-called comedian. Calum declared he hoped that by going into the Celebrity Big Brother house, he had changed people's perceptions of him. Yes Cal. What we thought of you when you were on reality TV show Love Island is completely different from what we thought of you when you were on reality TV show Celebrity Big Brother. In fairness, Calum seemed like an okay guy, which is more than can be said for Perez Hilton who, for a mercy, was unable to hog the cameras, sat as he was in the we've-forgotten-you-already seats.
Katie Hopkins was runner-up. A pantomime horse cleverly disguised to look like a human being, she emerged from the house not quite as triumphantly as she'd clearly imagined she would. Still, runner up isn't bad going for a universally loathed individual. How did she do it? Everyone you know can't stand her, yet somehow gazillions of people voted for her. This is why Britain should never have a referendum on anything. Emma Willis, looking absolutely glorious in a lavish cream confection of a dress, took her on telling her she was "ballsy, opinionated and sometimes rude." "Yes," smirked Hopkins. "I was."
Katie Price emerged victorious, her huge hair-do paying twin homage to the power of Elnett and Joan Collins (Dynasty era) as she pretended that she never expected to to be the winner. Something of a sea change from her second time on I'm A Celebrity, when the public voted for her to do every trial until she finally gave up and quit. "Never underestimate The Pricey" is her motto. The bookies did, the fools.
(First published here)