01/08/2016 08:00 BST | Updated 29/07/2017 06:12 BST

The 9 Stages of a Mums' Night Out

1. Organisation

Spend weeks discussing the possibility of a night out before actually getting round to sorting out a date. Fantasise wildly about finishing a meal in one sitting, not doing the washing up and ordering copious amounts of cocktails. Rearrange at least twice due to illness/ babysitter problems etc. Spend entire day crossing your fingers for no last minute vomiting bugs.

2. Preparation

As opposed to the good old days when it was possible to spend two hours getting ready, now preparation involves slapping on some make up in between tantrums and making sure hair is free of vomit/bogies. You can't remember where you put your 'good purse' that isn't full of tissues, bits of old food and Paw Patrol figures and your mascara has dried up from lack of use.

3. Clothing

First find something that sodding fits, then make sure it's forgiving to the many lumps and bumps. Ask yourself what 'the kids are wearing these days' then shrug and decide you don't care, just as long as there is room for your stomach to expand when you eat all that yummy food. Choose comfort over style and convenience over glamour. Find dried vomit/ stale milk in shoes, clean it out and wear them regardless. They don't smell too bad and you'll probably take them off once they start hurting anyway.

4. Leaving

Say the goodbyes then bolt for the door before the hysteria begins. Realise you've left without a necklace/ perfume/ wallet/ jacket. Cut your losses, no way you're going back in to that warzone!

5. Socialising

Spend your first 30 minutes discussing children and ineptitude of your husbands. Once you realise you're free for the night yet still immersed in all things Mum you decide to change the topic. Return to discussing children 5 minutes later.

6. Drinks/ Food

Be thankful for the loose comfortable clothing you chose earlier once you eat your own body weight in food that you haven't had to prepare. Over shoot the wine consumption considerably. Discuss where to continue your evening and realise you're referring to bars/ restaurants by, not just their old name, but what they were called two re-vamps ago. Look on aghast at what the young people are wearing, comment that they must be freezing!

7. Dancing

This will go one of two ways. Either point 6. above has rendered you completely immobile or the drink has taken over and you're going to monopolise a completely empty dance floor and embarrass yourself entirely.

8. End of the Night

Become aware of just how drunk you are (possibly due to point 7. above) and declare it must be late. Realise it's only half past 10. Develop a sudden hankering for fast food and invade local shop for chips n cheese. Declare your love for your fellow Mum's loudly enough for entire place to hear then fall out of the door trying to hail a cab.

9. Home Time

Attempt to stay awake in the taxi until you can stagger in your door and try to creep through the house to bed. Must. Not. Wake. Children. Deny drunkeness to partner and promise you will be fit to parent in the morning (something you will regret!).

10. Morning After

Just. Dying. Find Disney film to placate kids, fill up on Pom Bears and Capri Sun while trying to avoid any toys that emit shrill sounds (police cars, fire engines, talking animals that WILL NOT SHUT UP). Text Mum friends to see who has the nicest partner and got a lie in. Hate them (unless it's you). Mutter to yourself that you're 'too old to go out drinking' at least a dozen times... until the next night anyway!