28/08/2013 13:13 BST | Updated 28/10/2013 05:12 GMT

Waking Up Is So Very Hard to Do...

Slowly I gain consciousness and wonder why I've woken up. For some reason my back hurts.


I roll over and look at my wife, she is staring hard at the ceiling, I recognise that look - unless I'm very much mistaken that's her "I've-just-tutted-to-wake-you-up" look.

"Did you just tut?"


"Are you okay?"

"I'm FINE"


"Have I done something wrong?"

She gets out of bed and starts stomping round the bedroom, viciously pulling the curtains open.

I wince in the sudden brightness and then it hits me,

"I know exactly what's going on here. Have you just had a dream where I've been unfaithful to you?"

"I'm not talking to you!"

"You have haven't you!"

"I'm not talking to you!"

"But. But I've not actually done anything wrong!"

She ignores me and strips away the duvet, yanking it from me, as if she expects to see someone beneath the covers.

"But, but it was a dream? A DREAM!"




"I've been lying here all night!"

"Oh you're good at lying aren't you!"




"Well I'm still hurt! And you're a married man!"

I nurse my sore back and take a deep breath "Look, I'm really very sorry okay? I was a fool and it meant nothing?"

She sits down on the bed and puts her hand on mine.

"Apology accepted. And I'm sorry I punched you in the back with the remote control whilst you were asleep. Twice."

A moment passes.

"So..." I begin

"So what?" she replies with a dangerous tinge to her voice, a tinge that whispers "You'd better bloody NOT ask who you've been fucking in my dreams"

"Oh. Well. Nothing."

"Actually," she stands up "I didn't tell you yesterday but I crashed the car"

I leap out of bed. "You crashed the car? The new car or the old car?"

"Well, both really. It's quite funny because I crashed the new car INTO the old car. Then they caught fire."

I rush to the window and see the smouldering remains of both cars, I can smell the smoke. A group of well endowed firemen surround the vehicles, all of them have their trousers round their ankles and are pissing on to the wreckage and laughing. One of them is actually a Polar bear.

I start to shout "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" which is when I realise it's a dream and wake up for real.

I roll over and see my wife fast asleep beside me. I ease myself out of bed and peer out of the window. Both cars are safe.

My wife wakes up and looks at me, I can still smell the smoking ruins.


"What's wrong?" she asks

I scowl at her and say nothing.