04/12/2012 06:24 GMT | Updated 02/02/2013 05:12 GMT

If Chelsea Really Wanted a Winner... They'd Appoint Charlie Sheen

Roman Abramovich is desperately seeking a winner. Somebody who can turnaround his club's lacklustre misfortune and bring the Premier league title back to the Bridge. Many observers have already noted that there is only one candidate who can bring winning ways back to the disorientated football club. This candidate is being inexhaustibly ignored by the mainstream media, this candidate is Charlie Sheen.

Carlos Estevez has a diverse heritage and would be able to solve the diversity problems on and off the pitch - he can also speak Spanish. He's a lover of all and a man who boasts of his winning ways. He would not subject his entourage of players to the woeful performance that Chelsea has witnessed under Rafa Benitez. He is a team player this has been shown by his overtly generous and liberal sexual history; he would bring a sense of comradeship into the dressing room adopting the mandate of "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas". The cultural shift that is required to fix a club that's principles have fallen so dramatically would be solved much more quickly if they employed a gentleman who wouldn't be put off by minute misdemeanours from his players but participate and embrace in them.

Charlie Sheen and Roman Abramovich are natural bedfellows and would enjoy a well tempered relationship. The Chelsea chairman is very forgiving of ghastly behaviour and can trump lose ethics for triumph. Would Charlie's late night coke binges impact his ability as Chelsea manager? They'd do the opposite; Roman would be willing to ignore moral lapses, as has been made clear by his continued support for John Terry and Ashley Cole to exist as functioning human beings.

His appointment would come with a few conditions. Chelsea would have to pardon Adrian Mutu and stop their debt collectors knocking on the door of the former coke using player. Secondly, immediately sign Adrian Mutu and appoint him captain. Appoint Sean Penn in an advisory capacity. Charlie has always had a close relationship with his fellow actor and is going to want to have him around when he crashes, misses training or important matches. In addition to caring for Charlie it would also allow Sean to pursue his agenda: reducing the number of empirical activities conducted by the OBE. Penn's appointment would solve the John Terry catastrophe. He would advise that Chelsea sack all of their English players who support self-determination of the Falklands. Charlie Sheen would be far more lax about Britain's foreign policy. His demands come with a conclusive deal breaker though. Upon his appointment as manager of Chelsea Football club he holds a meeting with all of the WAGS, before meeting any of the players or media.