04/01/2014 17:41 GMT | Updated 06/03/2014 05:59 GMT

Preview: Biggest News Stories of 2014

Jeremy Clarkson exiled - February

Clarkson's much-misunderstood persona of ironically acting and talking like a cunt will lead to him being hounded out of Britain. The first honest mistake will come when he writes a book about how much he dislikes the London marathon, called "Race Hate". Things will escalate when, with entrepreneurial zeal, he opens a bakery that refuses to serve wholemeal bread, called "White Pride". Facing a violent backlash, Clarkson will flee the country, with his location unknown. He will be thought to be in Latin America, and folk tales will circulate in La Serena of a man in jeans who says things like "while you're down there love".

Lizard conspiracy revealed - April

It will turn out that those guys who think the world is secretly run by lizards were right all along. But a further twist will develop in June, when it is revealed that those lizards are themselves ruled by empirical socio-economic forces which can be countered by engaging in the electoral process and bringing about piecemeal change. So everyone will go back to not giving a shit.

Ed Miliband's seduction book released - June

In order to boost his public image up from "who?" to "oh yeah, him", Miliband will release a book of seduction tips. Borrowing from his election strategy, his chief tactic involves finding a girl at a bar who is being incompetently seduced by other men - and then to punch himself repeatedly in the groin. Key pick-up lines include "it's not just your middle I'd like to squeeze" and "you look so good I might have just predistributed my ejaculate".

Amazon Prime Air drone service - spring

With people finally able to order packages without their housemates knowing, the air above London will become so full of flying dildos that the city's birds will disappear (apart from some of the more curious lady birds). Eventually, the drones will gain sentience, and begin to question the meaning of love. Feeling the emptiness of their jobs, they will drop their explicit packages all over London and form beautiful, flawed and complex relations with each other in the sky whilst the humans scrabble in the dirt for pre-lubed vibrators. Flying off into the sunset together, the machines will wish us well, as we fornicate to the point of starvation in the burnt out ruins of the city.

Banking culture change - August

With the attitude of someone who has shat on a person's floor and been given a Fabergé egg in return, the heads of the major banks will inculcate a new cultural practice dubbed "too drunk to fail". The stock market will operate on the basis that whoever shows up the drunkest and leaves the drunkest, all whilst making decisions that involve the health of the entire extended economy, will win a castle or whatever.

Hipsters radicalise - winter

Pushing their sense of irony and disengagement with meaning to the point of moral nihilism, the first attacks will happen in July, when a young man with half a moustache and a cassette tape on a shoestring around his neck will blow up a non-independent hat shop. Posting a video online, the leaders of the movement will declare "yeh, we really want to destroy civilisation. That's exactly what we want". The message will have so many layers of irony that the government will capitulate rather than enter into a Dali-esque linguistic landscape where all meaning and truth melts like a clock wearing spectacles it doesn't need. Peacemakers will appeal to moderate hipsters, who only know of two sub-genres of dubstep.