01/01/2014 13:36 GMT | Updated 03/03/2014 05:59 GMT

The Year In Review

Remember the year? Well, now you can, with the help of this: this year's Review of the Year, called "The Year In Review" - the year being This Year. This is the review, beginning now.

Remember the year? Well, now you can, with the help of this: this year's Review of the Year, called "The Year In Review" - the year being This Year. This is the review, beginning now.


There is now more sport than ever. This is because sport has continued to happen and all of the sport from this year can be added to last year's total of all sport, which was previously the up-to-date total. Team sports have enthralled a large number of fans, all of whom complained about the other teams and, to a lesser extent, their own. This year has seen the most recent sports results of all time, which has pleased those who follow sport and prefer it to be current. There is still no end in sight for any of the sports; this is because none of them has an inbuilt rule that dictates when or how they might end.


Have you got all day?! Just kidding, nobody's got all day. Scandals popped up left, right and centre (inside joke!) this year, in the most unexpected places. In retrospect, we should have expected to find scandals in unexpected places, because that's where scandals are usually found. Otherwise, they're not considered to be quite as scandalous. There were scandals involving people on their own, people in pairs, groups of people and even people who were not there at all. There were scandals surrounding events and also a few scandals which precipitated events. At one point, there was a chain of scandals and events in which an event would prompt a scandal, which would in turn provoke an event, and it seemed as though the whole business would never end! It even made the News. Some scandals beggared belief, appearing to come from nowhere, in the middle of the night, while you were thinking about something else altogether, and threatened to discombobulate you and everyone you knew or were close enough to smell. If you're a fan of scandals, this was a big year for you, unless of course you were involved in one of the scandals, in which case this was a huge year for you. If you died as a result of one of the scandals, please ignore this paragraph.


Economics is still a puzzle.


The amount of art increased this year, and we now "have" more art than what we began the year with. This was due in part to artists (people who art) creating art, rather than simply destroying the art they'd previously created, as many hoped would be the case. An overwhelming majority of people have not been in close proximity to this new art, as many artists ensured would be the case. Theatres remained the centre of "Theatre", an art form which has traditionally been located in Theatres. Official figures relating to the Theatre have not been published; it is therefore hard to know whether there are any figures or whether those responsible just don't care. That being said, several Books were published, in this and many, if not most, other countries. A tiny fraction of them were good and they were made almost entirely of paper. In the world of music, a similar good-to-bad ratio was observed. Music could be heard in the background on many television broadcasts, either on purpose or by accident. In some instances, music could be heard in the foreground. Many musicians worked on new projects, some worked on old projects and a small number of them died, either peacefully or peacelessly.


As we know, the wars have occupied several column inches in the newspapers and indeed onscreen. This year, the countries which previously were fighting have kept fighting, in some cases to a lesser degree. Huge numbers of people have died and/or become injured in the places in which the wars have been taking place. A vast majority of those people suffered as a direct or indirect result of those very wars - an observation in keeping with the patterns hitherto observed. Some of the wars are illegal. Many who are living in the places where the wars are not happening have voiced their disapproval, or at the very least appropriated the disapproval of a vocal majority and given it a go.


What a year for the celebrities, nude and otherwise! If you were a celebrity this year, it was quite likely a prudent career move. If you were a nude celebrity, even better! Celebrity was the place to be seen. Sadly, many of them ceased to be either famous or alive. You won't remember all of them or recall their demises, but they were here when the year began and you have outlasted them, against the odds. What were the biggest celebrity moments this year? Who can say? That awards ceremony is surely a contender (remember the clothes thing? And the mistake?). Perhaps your celebrity highlight was one of the hairstyles (which were typical both in number and position)? Or one of the romantic entanglements (which were typical both in number and position)? Whatever your angle, the celebrities continued this year, and boy were we glad in some cases that they did! The most popular ways of enjoying them were:

1. Videos

2. Magazines

3. Television

4. Hiding in the bush

5. The Online.


Were you on the Online this year? If not, you missed all of it! Not to worry; much of it is still there in the place it happened, and in many cases, in other places too. If you see something that looks the same as another thing on the Online, you can be sure that at least one of them is not the original and was put there by someone who didn't actually make it. There were some major topics exciting people throughout the year, but it's extremely difficult to recall the vast majority of them, aside from the ones we're excited about right now. This year, we have interacted on the Online in a manner befitting our mood, circumstance and understanding. Those who have been elsewhere have been heavily critical of Online communications. The "non-Online", or Nonline, continue to exhibit ignorance, jealousy and decrepitude. Sadly for them, this year has been just as Online as previous ones. It's a drama fit for the television!


A remarkable feature of this year's television programming was its similarity to last year's. If we could have predicted one trend in the media at the beginning of the year, it would have been Different Television. Regrettably, as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, it became apparent that we were in for another year of what we had already experienced, albeit in a different permutation and under another name. We were treated to the beginning of yet another show - yes, THAT one. The one we knew would finish finally did. Another one which finished unexpectedly, because of the event that happened relating to its cast, will no longer be broadcast as a new show but instead will be rebroadcast in the future in the order to which we're accustomed, starting at the start. Bafflingly, the other one, which could have ended quite some time ago but kept going due to a host of mysterious reasons, is still happening. Several new shows used the central ideas of a number of successful shows from the past, which guaranteed their success - an excellent idea which has proven itself time and time again, and which we expect to be used with greater frequency in the coming year. Many believed that we would begin to watch televisions in a different way this year, but as it turned out, we're still using the eye method. In the coming year, many television viewers can expect to be using their retinas, neurons and synapses; don't trade them in just yet. However, advances in Online technology have enabled us to absorb television at an incredible speed using Synopses.


Happy New Year to one and all, from James Thomas (Astonishing Sod).


This piece also appears on Astonishing Sod's website.