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Ukip Leaks Mr Cameron's Immigration Speech to the EU

... Mine's a pint of Bombardier, by the way, reminds me of when our country was great, when we stood up for you against the other bullies in Europe, we came to your rescue back then. Colleagues and good Europeans, now I ask you to support my country in our hour of need.

Leak of Mr Cameron's speech at EU summit tomorrow:

Dear Mr President

We in the UK are drinking at the last chance saloon.

Mine's a pint of Bombardier, by the way, reminds me of when our country was great, when we stood up for you against the other bullies in Europe, we came to your rescue back then. Colleagues and good Europeans, now I ask you to support my country in our hour of need.

I feel like Churchill standing before you today and I ask that we fight them on the beaches. Dover and Deal I mean, my mate Charlie Elphick's seat, likely to be lost to Ukip.

It's on the frontline, the border post between Calais and Britain. The French are being rather beastly at the moment in trying to close down the UK Border Agency in Calais. Well, they needn't worry, I've cut so many border staff that we haven't got the manpower anyway, so come on over to our place, hey, we're having a party, at the taxpayers' expense. We're not checking lorries and vans for smuggling and people trafficking, reckon we've let around 15,000 in that way. So, I don't know why the Mayor of Calais and the bloke who's head of French immigration is being so beastly to us.

Sorry, I'm rambling. It's been a bit of a Ukip year, uurggh, sorry, I mean, awful year for me on immigration. I am of course referring to the lifting of restrictions to the citizens of Romania and Bulgaria on January 1.

Help me out chaps, I'm in a bit of a pickle back home.

You know how I've helped you. I've supported all EU diktats, 84% of the laws which come from your great Commission, rubber stamped by my own MEPs and by-passed by Parliament.

I've got a little difficulty with that upstart Nigel Farage, that pesky Ukip guy who not only takes away my Conservative vote but also Labour's and reaches parts of the electorate that the three old parties haven't in a generation.

So, I'm asking you my fellow federalists, let the UK not unconditionally open our border to Bulgaria and Romania on January 1st.

I know it's unpopular here in Brussels because it goes against the fundamental principles of the EU, but could we just sneak in a couple of extra years' transitional arrangements until the General Election in 2015?

Look, I knee-jerked and pushed through emergency government legislation yesterday that will stop migrants claiming benefits in the first three months of arriving. Pretty sneaky to pull the wool over the voters' eyes, even by my standards, eh?

I haven't even released the figures held by the DWP as to the numbers we're talking about here. I don't have a clue how many might be coming though. All smoke and mirrors, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more.

Please believe me when I say I took this action because EU migrants can have their benefits transferred from their home country to their new country of residence using the E106 form, that this was just a PR exercise for the Daily Express, The Sun and the Daily Mail.

Perhaps when I get back in January we can re-visit a curb on press freedom, just ahead of the European elections?

We could stifle debate in the press? You know how difficult it will be when Farage and co and your Parliament have to deal with a possible 30% of pesky newly elected Eurosceptic MEPs who want a referendum?

I don't want one, that's why I've kicked it into the long grass for 2017. I probably won't get re-elected as my MPs think I am revolting, that's without the boundary review which Cleggy shafted me on and with the rise in popularity of Ukip, showing that only Ukip can stop Miliband getting into No.10.

Yet, fellow European Federalists, perhaps that won't be such a bad thing as Ed has also ruled out a referendum this week by one of his trusted advisors. So all is not lost. There's not a e-cig paper difference between us anyway.

I even stitched up the committee set up to examine a British Bill of Rights so that the status quo remained and we continue to let the kangaroo court of the European Court of Human Rights hang our judges out to dry and let rapists, murderers and paedophiles have the right to a family life by staying in Britain.

Speaking of which, that other little local difficulty of votes for prisoners, I've made the right retching noises and played to the right wing press, but you know that we have no choice in Britain but to allow prisoners the votes because you have decreed it. It will go through, I've got my best man on it, Crispin Blunt, did the gay rights stuff, you know. Local Conservative association tried to de-select him but Crispy saved my bacon, and ours, on that one.

Farage was wittering on today: "Three months curbs on welfare is just gesture politics. It's like sticking a plaster over an arterial bleed. With EU documents designed to provide parity among all EU citizens, wherever they choose to live and work it will take more than a press statement and a chat in Brussels to change the principles of free movement of people.

"And it is not just Labour that have opened the door to mass immigration, the Tories have supported this all along, despite their current stance. Indeed a Tory MEP, Geoffrey Van Orden was the sponsor in the European parliament of Bulgarian entry into the EU."

You know how Brigadier, Uncle Bulgaria, Vin Ordinaire, was outed by Farage last week in his last speech of the Parliament, it was a YouTube success. He's exposing my MEPs for their pro-Europe voting patterns. It's just not cricket.

That reminds me, we should also look at shutting down social media, including YouTube, as this phenomena really is putting the boot in, promoting Farage too much. The public really shouldn't be exposed to this sort of stuff, it's subversive and the electorate are revolting.

Do you know, Farage and his MEPs get more hits than all the other MEPs in Europe put together? Disgraceful set of affairs.

I even sent our Police service over to Romania this week, a bit of last minute PR, I know it reeks of my lack of political leadership but frankly I'm a bit desperate. The bloody Daily Mail keeps screaming its headlines that '92% of all ATM crime is committed by Romanians', I had to make a gesture.

I know the criminal gangs are going to come anyway. They've been setting up camp in Mayfair, right on my rich list donor lawns. We managed to shove them on a cheap flight with 50 quid, but they're back in a couple of days after visiting the missus.

Red Ed's even had the nightmare of former home secretaries Blunkett and Straw warning of the problems in their areas where the Roma have turned up in hoards, standing outside betting shops at 9am to bet on the gee gee's. Remind's me must talk to Reggie Sheffield about setting up a bookies with Romanian speakers, keeps the benefits in the family so to speak.

We've even got second and third generation Indian and Pakistani British warning of an Enoch style problem. Oh, sorry, mentioned the 'E' word. Bit much though, don't you think?

And I've got a little greenbelt difficulty. The fact that I've got to sanction building on the greenbelt in the Toryshires is giving me a headache. My own minister, Nick Boles, admitted that 50% of new housing goes to migrants and we've got to build 210,000 homes year on year for 20 years will cause me some local difficulties.

And then there's the school places. In the Tory held South East, including London, I've got to find 250,000 new primary school places. We've stopped a grammar school in Sevenoaks which right winger Fallon is spitting about but I will have to expand schools, the right schools of course, but only Gove's free schools.

So leaders, you can see my little difficulty with opening the borders on January 1.

We've got to have cheap labour. We've got the minimum wage which absolves employers having to pay higher wages or increases. So keeps labour costs down. What would we do without cheap au pairs, nannies, gardeners, builders and fruit pickers? It's caused a cost of living crisis where working class families can't afford our green taxes and VAT on fuel and CAP costs every family an extra £2500 pa on food bills, but a small price for being a good European. But they don't need au pairs and gardeners, my class do.

By the way, bloody good move by the Romanians this week. Again we should look at it. In a move which flies in the face of its accession agreement with the EU, the Romanian parliament has this week exempted top politicians and lawyers from corruption crimes.

Actually, Farage has got a good point and we could use it temporarily, he said "the flagrant breach of the agreement meant the UK's own Parliament was justified in breaching EU law itself when it came to allowing Romanian citizens free access to the UK labour market from January 1. If the Romanian Parliament fails to stick to its EU obligations then why should anyone else?

"In these circumstances Westminster is well entitled to act and should block Romanian nationals from the UK labour market on January 1. Similarly, we should block Bulgarian nationals because their parliament has broken their accession agreement concerning land sales to non-Bulgarians.

"Why should the British be the mugs of Europe and comply with EU law while the parliaments of Romania and Bulgaria flout it with impunity?"

Of course, whilst I can't agree with him publicly, sounds like a good idea if we can use this to stop them coming to Britain, if only for a couple of years? Please, pretty desperate please?