We all want sex to be spontaneous, right? We think we need to feel like it - horny, desiring. Planning just doesn't feel right in this arena, it's a bit too much like something you put on your 'to do' list. A bit too much like work, and not very sexy.
Well, yes and no. Spontaneity is great, you only have to look at children to know this. And we're all for it in the realm of sexual loving, in other words, follow your natural impulses to embrace your partner, follow what feels good, be playful, surprise each other. But what happens when life gets in the way, or just needs attending to? There's a long list of possible preventers of spontaneity. Whether it's work pressures, children wanting attention, family and friends to see, ageing parents to care for, your inner changing world of feelings. Maybe issues we're avoiding dealing with, whether they be practical or emotional, for instance when we're feeling upset with our partner for not giving us the attention we would like and we've closed down a little. Oh, and not to forget the importance we place on 'staying connected' through our mobiles and the internet.
So many couples tell us that the spontaneity has gone out of their relationship because of life's daily demands on their time. They've almost become resigned to thinking 'this is how it is' and that makes it normal. We don't really believe in 'normal' but we do know, from our own sex life and countless couples' stories, if you don't prioritise making love and yes, sorry to sound boring, plan for it, it won't happen. Or it will happen seldomly. The chances of you both feeling spontaneous at the same time are slim, given all the variables at play. Are you willing to settle for the occasional outbreak of spontaneous sexy time? I suspect deep down you long for more, and I want to tell you, it is totally within your control, you just need to make a conscious choice and act on it.
Now, let's also be honest. Sometimes we're avoiding (sometimes unconsciously, sometimes consciously) being close to our partners in the sexual zone. For all sorts of reasons. Maybe we're angry with them about something, for instance, not doing their share of the childcare, housework etc. Or maybe we're feeling hurt by something they've said or their lack of attention, and we're not able to be open. Maybe we have no idea why, we just are avoiding. Closing down can be the easier path in the short-term, rather than face uncomfortable feelings. Far less hassle and more enjoyable to do a bit of online shopping or get lost in Facebook. Well yes, in the short-term. But, it's temporary and the disconnection and discomfort will not go away, it will just grow bigger.
We've noticed stress and tension - often resulting in conflict - builds up between couples when spontaneity-based making love is their modus operandi. It's a generalisation (but like many generalisations, generally true) that men are ready for sex more quickly and more often than women (all to do with how sexual energy is raised, different in man vs woman but more in the next article on this). Having scheduled sexy time, in particular, allows men to relax. If you think about it, stress and tension does not really lend itself to natural bubbling spontaneity. But if you are relaxed, anything is possible.
So whilst it might sound counterintuitive, and a bit dull, planning sexy time will free you up to be more spontaneous. Just as order comes from chaos and vice versa, order (or structure) allows chaos. We need both. But don't believe us. Try it for yourselves.
How To Be Truly Spontaneous in Your Making Love
1. Plan the time to be spontaneous together. Weird but true.
2. Disconnect from mobiles, laptops etc in order to connect to each other.
3. Be aware that you may have closed down to your partner and do something conscious to open yourself again, for instance, contact your vulnerability and admit it.
4. Do everything possible in order to be relaxed, for example, have a bath together.
5. Don't be afraid to explore now you've made the time for it.