06/07/2015 18:49 BST | Updated 06/07/2016 06:59 BST

Britain's Most Outspoken Hotel Critic Speaks Out

Peter Pilbeam's Hotel Reviews

The Clifftop Hotel, Yarmouth.

On entering the lobby, I noticed that the carpet was an unnerving shade of blue, which in my mind conjured up a very disturbing image of a giant blue gorilla. I asked the manager if the carpet could be dyed a less terrifying colour, but he said they had just run out of carpet dye that very morning. Luckily I always carry my own supply in case of such emergencies, although when I offered to sell some to him at a reduced rate he seemed alarmingly uninterested.

I was then shown to my room on the rather unimaginatively named 'first floor.' On entering said room, the first thing that hit me was the cleaner. It later transpired that a review of mine had led to her being let go from a job in a travelodge in Swaffham. I was about to suggest she attend an anger management course, when she smacked me over the head with a breakfast tray. My well-developed critic's eye immediately noticed that the tray had not been properly washed, and I resolved to bring this up with the manager the moment I regained consciousness.

When I did so several hours later, the manager apologised and asked if he could help in any way to make up for this. As it was nearly 8.15 pm I asked him to read me a bedtime story. With no books at his disposal he attempted to improvise a suitable tale, but the unconvincing characters, multiple plot holes and lack of coherent story arc left me more awake than before. With no hope of getting any sleep I decided to dye the carpet a more relaxing and holistically therapeutic shade of pink.

Room service arrived with my breakfast the next morning, but instead of fresh fruit they brought me scrambled eggs on toast! Admittedly I had originally ordered this, but I had changed my mind halfway through eating the meal and felt they should have checked accordingly.

Later, as I was putting on my bicycle clips and getting ready to leave, I was heartened to see that my work on the carpet had been discovered, as the staff had all come to show their appreciation by throwing a generous amount of fruit my way, obviously trying to make up for the mistake they'd made at breakfast. However I have to say that I won't be returning to the Clifftop Hotel. Mainly because I've been banned. Thank you.

Peter will be reviewing another hotel as part of this week's edition of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show which can be found on the British Comedy Guide website, or you can listen here: