15/02/2015 16:50 GMT | Updated 17/04/2015 06:59 BST

Seven Top Dating Tips For Men

Many men have problems asking women out, whether it be due to nervousness, lack of self-esteem, or the fact that they live in the middle of the Sahara Desert. If you are one of these poor unfortunates, my 7 Top Ten Dating Tips may prove beneficial. Do let me know how you get on, and if they work I might consider trying them myself.

1. Men often think that a lack of money will hold them back when it comes to taking women out, so why not rob a bank or major financial company?

2. Conversation can be a problem, especially if neither of you says anything. Topics that will make your date feel comfortable include women's prisons, ponies, and Weight Watchers.

3. Women respond to confidence, so if your date takes place in a restaurant, at the end of the evening make sure you confidently proclaim your inability to pay. This will guarantee a response.

4. Personal hygiene is of the utmost importance. If you have an unpleasant body odour, try taking your date's mind off it by talking about one of the topics of conversation covered earlier, or simply point out of the window and shout "Look! Is that the Pope?" This might not work if you actually are the Pope.

5. Men can be wary of rejection and avoid asking women out for this reason, but if you ask anyway, you might get a positive response. Do bear in mind, however, that you might get laughed out of the room and end up feeling humiliated, ashamed, and bereft of any real hope.

6. Some men feel that they are not tall enough or good-looking enough, but don't let this worry you. As long as you are around six foot four and resemble Brad Pitt it will be plain sailing.

7. Wit and humour are invariably the key to a good night out, so remember to ask your date if she knows any jokes. If none are forthcoming, simply laugh as loudly as you can throughout the evening.

I hope reading these tips has been helpful. If not, it's too late now as you have already read them. However, here is a very short film called The Date, which will probably be of no help either. Good luck!