26/03/2014 06:45 GMT | Updated 25/05/2014 06:59 BST

How to Guarantee There Won't Be a Second Date

Ah, the second date - the "Holy Grail" of dates. The date that says "hey, we got through the first date without killing each other and we can probably tolerate each other again for another few hours at least". But, before you get that text asking you whether you're free to go to a cool pop-up burger festival next week as you jump up and down on the bed screaming with joy, you have to get through the first date, and that's no easy feat.

Here some things to do on a first date to guarantee there won't be a second date, all of which I have experienced recently.

Anti-social networking

Make sure you pull that phone out and check us in on Facebook. Seeing as you're on there already, why not send me a friend request? Don't get off straight away though, scroll through your feed whilst the waitress and I stare, waiting for you to finish. Don't forget to take a pic of your food when it comes out either, you don't want your friends to miss out on your amazing lasagne experience.

Hello, Sailor!

Don't be afraid to hold back after a glass of wine. Nothing is classier than a full-on barrage of 4-letter expletives about your day, the terrible dates you've been on recently or even just the tube ride over..... All within the first half an hour.

Turn Up Drunk

Nothing says "I've made such an effort" like turning up slurring your words, reeking of booze whilst telling the lucky person how hammered you are. Pass out halfway through for added effect.

Up Close and Personal

Ask about their sexual history - the more blunt the better. Hey, if you're going to find out anyway, you might as well find out on the first date. The element of surprise is so overrated these days.

Check it Out

Keep checking your phone. It always works a treat if you can do it whilst the other person's talking about a really personal subject, as it shows that you really want to be there. Keep it on the table so it's easy to access too, you don't want to rummage through your bag or coat pocket all the time - that's just plain rude.

Subject Matter

Overstep the mark with your religious, political and sexual views. Impress them upon the person in a fiery way whilst getting the point across that your views are right and their views are completely wrong. Bang your fist on the table and cause a scene for extra effect.

Price Wars

Make your date feel uncomfortable by complaining about the price of everything. Don't forget to shake your head and "tut" whilst scrolling down the menu, pointing out each item that looks overpriced. When your meal or drink comes, complain that you can't believe it cost that much money and they should be ashamed of themselves. Oh, and if you can add "I'll choose a better place next time", you're definitely winning.

These should all guarantee there won't be a second date, if you're worried they might still be interested after all that try calling them at 2am telling them how much you like them and that you feel a real connection just to make sure.