Going through a thorough Facebook friend cull can be really hard. But sometimes it's just necessary.
I'm here for you. Here to hold your hand. Here to take you on a un-friending journey that will ultimately leave your newsfeed - and your life - lighter.
Alright. Let's do this.
1. Your ex. Your ex's sister. Your ex's mother.... Ah, bugger it, everyone related to your ex.
Break-ups only have one redeeming feature: you don't have to pretend to like your ex-partner's passive-aggressive sister, controlling mother, or homophobic uncle any more. So why would you keep them in your digital life? Get them outta there! You don't need that. Find that un-friend button, baby.
2. Creepy randoms who added you when everyone thought Facebook was like MySpace.
Get rid of any legitimate strangers who requested your FB friendship back when we were still trying to work out how to use Facebook. Friend-requesting a total random is the real-life equivalent to walking up to a complete stranger at a bus stop, nuzzling into their neck, and asking their marital status. It's just not acceptable.
3. School bullies.
Reliving the hurt someone caused you back when listening to Mariah Carey on your Walkman at recess was cool? Aint nobody got time for that. Do not keep in touch with anyone who was remotely mean to you in your school days. Even if you secretly keep that person on Facebook just to send them Jessie J's school playground revenge song "Who's laughing now?". Leave school bullies back in the playground, where they belong.
4. Casual racists.
Everyone's got at least one outrageously offensive racist in their newsfeed.
They rant about immigrants stealing their jobs, refugees invading their country, or the perils of "multi-culturalism".
Their grasp of social issues is often matched only by their grasp of basic grammar and punctuation.
If you wouldn't put up with another human saying racist things in person, don't let them do it online.
5. Smug show-offs who communicate exclusively with inspirational quotes.
If someone's life strongly resembles Miranda Kerr's Instagram, Love Yourself And Un-Friend.
6. The girlfriend who tags you in photos where she looks hot and you have your eyes closed.
Oh hell no. This is a Facebook sin punishable by immediate, ruthless un-friending. Don't give it a second thought.
7. People who think the contents of their sandwich is news worth sharing.
Tolerable, decent human beings have an internal filter that tells them whether the thing they're doing is worthy of a status on Faceboook, or better kept to themselves.
People missing this filter are unstoppable monsters who keep you updated on exactly what they had for breakfast, how much weight they pressed at the gym, their bowel movements, their snack choices, how far they jogged that morning, or the process of choosing wallpaper.
Unless they did a Zumba class with Hugh Jackman or spotted a UFO on their morning jog, care factor = zero.
8. Anyone you genuinely wouldn't recognise in a line-up.
If you wouldn't approach someone in the street to say hi >> un-friend.
If you wouldn't know someone immediately by name >> un-friend.
If someone likes your status and you think to yourself, "Who the fuck is that?" >> un-friend.
9. The shameless humble-bragger.
When executed properly, the humble brag is at once deeply infruriating and unintentionally hilarious. However funny it may be at first, the serial humble bragger must be taught that shameless plugs about their life disguised as complaints will not be tolerated.
"Fail! Spilled Moet all down my red ball gown! Leo DeCaprio thought it was so funny."
"Can't believe I lost my car in the car park! Who misplaces their bright yellow Porsche? #embarrassed."
"The one setback about being promoted so often is that I keep having to buy new outfits. #toosuccessfulformyowngood #toosuccessfulformyownwardrobe."
Please refer to the official definition for further clarification.
10. Elusive updaters who really just want you to ask questions about their life.
They want you to know that they're feeling some feelings, but they don't want you to know who or what caused those feelings.
They want the person who made them feel the feelings to know they made them feel feelings, but they don't want to accuse that person directly of making them feel feelings.
All this results in stupid elusive updates like: "Sometimes people can be so cruel and you just have to be true to yourself" or "Holding tears back, you guys. Real friends don't do this. You know who you are."
11. Your parents.
Your turn now. Who do you need to unfriend and why?