19/03/2015 08:57 GMT | Updated 18/05/2015 06:59 BST

Why My Husband is More Like a Dishwasher Than an iPhone

My phone no longer meets my needs. As I call clients, text friends and surf Facebook it weakly pleads that it cannot keep up; its battery getting less robust each passing day. I feel little sympathy and instead look at it with derision. To promise so much early on and deliver so little less than two years later is pitiful. Its volume control is getting a bit temperamental as well and don't get me started on switching between tasks. Fortunately, when seeking cure via my provider's website I spot that I am entitled to an early upgrade. Thank heavens for that! Time to doll myself up and head into town to see which new models may inspire my next relationship.

It is important to learn from ones mistakes. My Blackberry was like my first husband. It was the wrong decision from day one. I should have gone with an iPhone (and the redheaded hockey player who wore his dark side much closer to the surface). It was largely a compatibility issue but it cost me money to put right. Those were the relationships where I learnt two year contracts come with one year warranties and that joint accounts are a liability if you marry a narcissist.

So I dumped the clunky phone and obnoxious husband and set about correcting my errors. I bought an iPhone and married a nicer man. After two years, they were each getting a little tired. The phone was discarded without a backwards glance in exchange for my current model but I was feeling understanding towards the husband. After all, parenting a 13 month old wasn't exactly seeing me at my best either.

A husband upgrade incompatible with my favourite app

As I survey the shiny new phone options on offer, I find myself daydreaming about a different husband with new features. Maybe one that speaks foreign languages or is an expert masseuse. Annoyingly it turns out that a new husband would not be fully compatible with certain software. It appears that I can't have full use of the toddler app if I trade in the husband for a newer model. How utterly frustrating; I have years of data in the toddler app. I can't just get a new one! So I'm stuck with the husband unless I accept I can only have the app for part of the time.

Suddenly I'm a little less cross with my phone (which has suddenly improved its performance as though realising my willingness to cut it off without a backwards glance). I chew my fingernail as I contemplate the husband that isn't as quick as it was, struggles to hear me (or, like my phone is picking and choosing which commands to follow) and doesn't update sufficiently to meet the myriad of requirements being thrown at it by toddler app.

A return to a dishwasher kind of love

I'm a practical woman; I once built a kitchen. Ok so it was the DUKTIG from Ikea but I entertained my son whilst putting it together for him. But when my dishwasher stopped working I assumed it was time to go shopping. Watching him dismantle and repair it was a major influencer in me proposing to the then-boyfriend. I owned that dishwasher for eight years (and it wasn't new when I bought it along with my first house) so perhaps it's time to think about repair rather than replacement.

To give him credit, my husband is more like the dishwasher than my phone. I got him second hand and there were no flashy promises or slogans. He has been running pretty well for six years now. Am I unrealistic in expecting him to perform functions beyond his programming?

If the problem is too many demands upon the husband then perhaps I need to look at whether the software could be better managed. Fond as I am of the toddler app, perhaps it needs running elsewhere. I've signed him up to rugby classes.

But it's sayonara for my phone and perhaps when the new one arrives I should focus my energy on my marriage rather than on a lump of plastic and metal. After all, the second dishwasher has so far worked out even better than the first.