01/07/2014 11:00 BST | Updated 30/08/2014 06:59 BST

Luis Suarez Apologises for Not Apologising Sooner

Luis Suarez has apologised for not apologising sooner for treating the shoulder of Giorgio Chiellini like a stale empanada.

Etiquette and modern manners expert Debbie Fiddlesticks was brought in by the Uruguayan President last week to try and persuade a discerning global community that biting is perfectly normal behaviour. However, after almost a week under strict orders to supplant the usual firm handshake with embedding their teeth into one another's flesh, Uruguayan ministers were forced to accept that the cabinet office looked like a scene from 28 Days Later and take on board Ms Fiddlesticks' advice that when you do something wrong you should just say sorry. Writing on her blog, Debbie said: 'I did tell Suarez that the sooner he apologises, the better, but Jose Mujica forbade it on the basis that only fascists and sons of bitches apologise.'

David Cameron - who has taken to apologising as a seal takes to clapping and making a bit of a tit out of itself - offered Suarez some advice: 'If you've made a mistake, apologise. It's never too late. Like when I apologised for Section 28, the Hillsborough disaster and Bloody Sunday despite not being there or remotely responsible. It just takes everyone's pain away.'

But Ms Fiddlesticks disagrees: 'Typical apology etiquette dictates that a person who can see they have made a mistake should apologise promptly. Doing it twenty or thirty years later just reminds everyone that you didn't. And apologising for things which you are not responsible for makes no logical sense whatsoever. Unless you have some odd partiality for very public self-flagellation, which frankly no one wants to see.'

Taking all the advice into account, Luis Suarez today made this public apology:

'Independent from the fallout and the contradicting declarations that have surfaced during these past days, all of which have been without the intention of interfering with the unspectacular loss of my national team to Colombia, the truth is that I should have apologised sooner.

For this:

  • I deeply regret what occurred.
  • I apologise to every person effected by Section 28.
  • I vow to the public that there will never be another incident like.'

Responding to the Uruguayan football team captain's assertion that Suarez's four month ban was a breach of his human rights, human rights lawyer Gavel Mallet said: 'Nope'.