A shitload of Mr Muscle
A pair of Marigolds
A lifetime supply of Haribo
Access to YouTube
A heart full of love.
The patience of a saint
The nose of a blood hound
The eyes of hawk
The reflexes of a ninja
Oh, and a toddler.
Announce with great excitement that it's time to be a big boy/girl to your child. Jump up and down in the air like Tigger on speed as you whip open a Primark bag stuffed with brand new big boy/girl pants.
Show your child the pants whilst humming the funeral march tune as you remove his/her nappy and bury it in the bin (along with the bag of size 6 nappies that you have in the cupboard)
Wrestle your child to the floor to put on the new and 'terribly exciting' pants as he/she repeatedly kicks you in the guts.
Using your 'patience of a saint', ignore your throbbing stomach pains and explain in an upbeat a way as possible that when he /she needs a wee wee ( or a tinkle/ pee pee etc) they must pull down the pants and sit on the terrifically exciting frog-shaped potty.
Chase your child around the room and force him/her to sit on the potty. In the absence of handcuffs, use the wonderfully distracting iPad to ensure that your child stays on the potty.
Play your child a number of inspirational 'Potty songs for toddlers' on YouTube.
Using your patience of saint, wait. And wait some more. And after tolerating 3 poo-poo songs, a wee-wee rap and seventeen views of the 'Sesame Street Potty Song Sing-Along', check the potty to see if there's a glorious pool of urine waiting for you.
When you find that the bowl is empty, grab a jug of water and a bowl and stand in front of your toddler and scoop/pour the water repeatedly in front of him/her.....for inspiration.
Check the potty. If it is still empty, get every available member of the household to line up and urinate into the potty. Fathers, brothers, sons, sisters-cats and dogs even....for inspiration.
Explain to your child that you will give him/her a Haribo if he/she does a wee wee on the potty. He/she can have one for a wee and two for a poo as standard. Dangle the sweets in front of their faces....again, for inspiration.
If the sweets aren't cutting it, offer your child cash.
When all hope seems lost, morale is low and you've noticed that a red ring has appeared on your toddler's butt cheeks, remove him/her from the potty. It's time to throw in the towel. You'll try again another time. He/she just isn't ready. It's just too soon. Head towards the bin to retrieve the full bag of size 6 nappies that you discarded earlier in the day.
BUT WAIT!!!! Your nose of a blood hound detects an pungent stink wafting towards you. There's a PEE PEE in the POTTY!!!!!!
Scoop your child up into your arms screaming ' You've done a pee pee on the potty!!!!' Swing him/her around in a circle whilst gleefully singing the theme tune to 'The Match of the Day'. Reward your child with a Haribo and collapse back into the recliner to reflect on what an amazing parent you are!!
Put on the marigold's, drop to your knees and vigorously spritz the Mr Muscle to remove the pool of piss that appeared on your laminate flooring whilst you made the rookie mistake of taking your eye off the ball for 11 seconds
Apply a pair of 'super -exciting' pants to your toddler and spend the next 8 hours staring at said pants for any trace of a wet patch.
Repeat the following sentence in 35 second intervals ', Do you need a wee wee? Do you need a wee wee?? Do you need to sit on the potty? Do you? DO YOU???'
*Your nose of a blood hound and eyes of a hawk will come in handy during this 8 hour period. The reflexes of a ninja may be called upon if one is required to redirect a leaking toddler to the nearest plastic bowl/ sink/drain. Rest assured, your heart full of love and patience of a saint will guide you through this troublesome time.
At the end of the day, tally up the results.
Pees on the floor: 10
Poos on the potty: 0
Poos on the trampoline: 1
Repeat steps 1-16 as necessary until your child can pee/poo into a bowl unaided for the rest of his/her natural life.
* Once again, your patience of a saint will guide you through this troublesome time...as will a shitload of wine.
This post originally appeared on Katy's humour blog http://www.carryonkaty.com
You can find her on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/carryonkaty