So - here we are. After months of preparation, the annual kitsch-fest of sequins, divas and shrill voices (and that's just the fans) has kicked off in Baku, the oil-rich capital of Azerbaijan. Below are my tips for the top in this Saturday's final.
The Grey Vote
UK - Good old Hump! At 76, he's not the oldest in the contest, but he's probably the most experienced performer. The song probably would have won in 1973 - but given the Eurovision-watching demographic, he may still stand a chance of being in the top 10.
Russia - ah, the Babushkas. So sweet. So tuneless. So random. Still, everyone loves an old granny, particularly madcap ones baking bread on stage. And Russia typically does quite well, so I predict this will rank highly. It's very, um, Eurovision.
Ethnic Scandi-pop
Norway - heart-warming tale, this one. Tooji and his family left Iran, never to return again. Fortunately Iran neighbours Azerbaijan so his aunt has popped over to Baku to be reunited with the family. The song is a Persian-influenced upbeat number called Stay. It'll appeal to those three key Eurovision demographics: young girls, gays and the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.
Sweden - the bookies' and fan favourite. A lone, mystical figure performing questionable contemporary dance whilst mumbling her way through what on radio is an uplifting trance-lite stonker of a tune. She also stands on a fat black man as part of her performance (he on the other hand can dance, despite the extra pounds). There's fake snowfall too. Oh, and she hails from Morocco. I really don't know where to go with this. Hopefully the audience will see it as the zenith of postmodern global performance art that it aspires to be. Not as good as last year's effort from Loreen (which came second in the Swedish national finals) but she's an individual and I applaud that.
Second-time lucky
Ireland - they're back: twins John and Edward. Yes, fresh from X-Factor, performing for President Obama, coming eighth in Eurovision last year and starring in the British Big Brother (Celebrity and Pedestrian), come the unstoppable twins-with-quiffs (Twinkwiffs?) Jedward. The song - Waterline - is good. It's very 80s - all positive energy and platitudinous lyrics. Though I'm still not sure what a waterline is, metaphorically. You find them in WCs, right? And they're singing that they're close to it? I'm confused. Much like Jedward's alleged preferences. According to the interweb, that is. Ahem.
Serbia - Zeljko loves Eurovision. He's performed (coming second), written songs for it - and even presented it. He's now back with a ballad that sounds like all his other songs. I for one applaud the consistency and the nod to Serbian regional supremacy. Playing tunes with
accordions and fiddles is a much friendlier way to laud it over your neighbours than bombing the **** out of them. Good luck Zeljko.
The Sublime
Italy - now here's a winner if I ever saw/heard one. A catchy tune in Italo-English delivered with gusto by an Italian beauty (wearing a heritage British label, Westwood - if she wins, at least we Brits will be able to claim a small victory in the world of fashion). It's basically the modern day equivalent of Verdi's La donna è mobile from Rigoletto. You heard it first here, folks.
Spain - my personal favourite but I may be out on a limb here. The lovely Pastora (real name Pilar - but that's not half as flamenco as "Pastora") belts out a Swedish-penned entry (one of the song's writers also co-wrote the Swedish entry). The song itself - Quédate Conmigo (Stay with Me) is delivered with guts and passion. She's pretty enough - but like that great Eurovision winner Céline - isn't particularly attractive when singing. Still, I'd like to think we're all less shallow than that. Right?!
The Ridiculous
Austria - Woki mit deim Popo has the unfortunate (deliberate?) twist that it sounds like "F**k him in the poo-poo" when screeched by the cheeky Austrian chappies. I say "unfortunate" since they spend the entire song slightly mysogynistically glorifying women's behinds rather than describing acts that are banned in Baku. They were knocked out in the semis.
Romania - In Soviet Central and Eastern Europe, Cuban music and musicians flourished (given the Communist link). So it isn't of enormous surprise that an ex-Soviet state would eventually field a Cuban-inspired tune. It's catchy, sung in Spanish and will, I think, have universal appeal. And the lead singer is smoking hot. This will do well.
And the rest
Denmark - This sounds like early Jewel and is a grower. This is the one you marry, but sadly Eurovision is all about the one-night stand (and often the one you wake up to on Sunday morning and contort your face in horror) so I don't hold out much hope for it.
The two Hellenic entries, from Greece and Cyprus are very similar: much like the current state of Greece itself, three words describe them perfectly: hot crazy mess.Cyprus I adore.
France, fielding the well-known Indonesian pop-star Anggun and being held aloft by semi-naked gymnasts (seriously, you couldn't make this shit up), is also one to watch. Particularly if you're Indonesian (what? - 4% of the world is!) or a gay man (likewise!). If you're a gay Indonesian, then this is probably equivalent to watching a Kylie concert, in Aussie Bums, wearing glitter and avoiding carbs.
Finally, Albania is a fan favourite - and apparently is all about *that* note. I can't see it myself.
Top 5 Predictions?
So here are my wildly unscientific predictions for a top 5 in the Eurovision Grand Final: Italy to take first place, Sweden 2nd, Russia 3rd, Cyprus 4th and Norway 5th. Watch me proved totally and utterly wrong on Saturday 26th May on BBC One and BBC One HD at 8pm local time. I'll be blogging after the show (live from Baku) too.