11/01/2013 11:16 GMT | Updated 12/03/2013 05:12 GMT

Celebrity Big Brother: Weekly Round Up

Did I ever tell you about the time that geezer from Braveheart taught me how to Longbow? Yeah, it was just after I completed a record time on the track at Silverstone and had a boiled egg contest with Gordon Ramsey and Marco Pierre White; Ahh those were the days.

Well Paula 'I can't trust anyone ever again' Hamilton donned her best John McCririck finest and juttered out of the house, to a chorus of 'who are ya.' Let's be honest here; the woman was clearly on the edge before she slid down to the basement, as I have witnessed her arguing with herself and performing the most erratic karate known to man. While everyone may enjoy the odd tall tale now and then, this woman can only be likened to David Guest after five espresso shots.

Elsewhere, Rylan became Crylan as the idea of the outside world's opinion became too much for him to bare. Personally I adore Rylan and cannot fathom why he received such vile abuse during the X Factor; anyone would think he was Christopher Maloney for Christ's sake.

The world's most closeknit couple reached new levels of weirdness, as Heidi refused to take part in a task involving her dear Spency passing various vile objects to Lacey with his bearded mouth; her name may be Banghard, but I doubt she would indulge in any horizontal jogging with a man who dons camouflage as going out attire. Heidi, aka surgery girl, soon swallowed her pride and got her chops round a bulls penis; ada girl.

I'm extremely happy that the Hollywood couple were saved by the great British public, as they can now showcase their true game playing ways die hard Hills fans have been begging to see. They have to tee off and stage a walk out, when really they are going to a newly pimped out basement (wonder if it has a mirrored ceiling?) and manipulate situations with their fellow housemates; basically live the life of a CBB producer while he has a crafty tea break. This scenario brings back memories of the infamous fight night, as Emma and Michelle were banished to the bedsit to watch everyone else, before returning to house far from harmonious.

I love that BB has one back to its creative cruel roots; speaking of roots, is anyone else dying to see Rylan's true ginger side come out again a la X Factor? No? Just me then...