21/11/2013 07:05 GMT | Updated 25/01/2014 16:01 GMT

Lily Allen's Baggy Pussy

Hurrah for Lily Allen, she is back in the news and speeding up the charts with her latest song and controversial video, Hard Out Here. You've probably seen it by now and if like me, are reeling because shock, horror, gasp ... she made it without having to strip naked or grind up against some Thicke thing. Okay so the accompanying dancers are, it has to be said, scantily clad but from here on in Miley Cyrus can go swing on her wreaking ball. What's more our Lil, honest Lil, down to earth Lil eloquently proclaims the state of her 'post two children' fanny as baggy. I love it. Respect Lil, finally we have a credible popstar, unafraid to say it how it is and in flashing glorious neon. Lily Allen you Rock.

As far as I'm concerned the WI are history. From here on in I propose the Baggy Pussy Brigade or Lily's Baggy Fanny Fan Club. Who wouldn't want to join such a salubrious sounding group? Fxxk fanny flying ping pong balls - our kind of Bangkok Babes will be popping forth basket balls.

Yikes did I just write that?

That's probably almost as bad as Lily using black 'twerking' dancers in her controversial video. Christ it's probably worse. Then again you the reader will be discerning enough to understand I'm being facetious, sarcastic, ironic... and all of the above. Disclaimer, the opinions expressed here are not the author's. The author is just channelling a voice in her head. The real actual author intends no disrespect to anyone, ever, anywhere.

Look the fact is I'm premenstrual. Double yikes, did I actual say premenstrual? I meant pre-mental or just mental. Yesterday on BBC Radio 4, the 19th of November 2013, I heard an interviewee ask if it was okay to refer to the topic of menstrual health? How strange such a question should be posed when half the population of this spinning planet have experienced having a period on a monthly basis.

Way back in the good old days when on the rag we'd tap our nose and refer to our visiting friend, aunt, cousin or say we were having the painters and decorators in. Women's trouble, it was a little bit dirty, a little bit shameful. Thankfully we've moved on since then, women are no longer considered mere chattels of their husbands/fathers and only worth their weight in virginity.

Forgive my shrill tone but I'm suffering from sleep deprivation. It's something you get after having kids along with baggy fannies.

Kegal? Schmegal!

An ordinary night round a hypothetical ordinary couple's gaff (with a young baby)

'Sex darling?'

'Don't be silly.'

'In the mood for some love-making?'


'You might enjoy it?'

'I've never enjoyed it.'

'Please we haven't done it in ages?'

Feign sleep and fart loudly.

What does a modern emancipated woman have to do to get some action these days?

a)Take matters into her own hands and elicit the help of er... a handyman or b) blame herself?

So there you are in the dark, frustrated, thinking maybe he doesn't find you attractive anymore? It could be the baby belly, the cake belly, the deflated breasts. It could be the lines, the crevices, the bat wings, the grey hairs, the veins, the stretch marks etc. The nearest I've got to grooming recently was reading about the horrific case in Rochdale, not to put too fine a point on it David Attenborough is expected over any minute having detected the long lost Nomadic Bush Tribe of Miaow.

Then it dawns on me, of course it's because I have no thigh gap. Yes of all the gaps there are in this incredibly inequitable planet: 1st world /3rd world, rich/poor, tube/platform, the store, etc the one thing that would make my life complete as a woman is a thigh gap.

Suddenly option A is looking a lot more attractive.

'Darling,' I whisper, 'I think I need to get myself a personal trainer....'