Dare I say it but I'm a mum and yes I'm doing everything wrong. On purpose, just to piss you off.
Not only are we as bad as terrorists and murderers, but we damn right refuse to apologise for it.
It's this kind of brazenly reckless behaviour that makes us a stain on our community.
And the worst culprits for all this bashing? My fellow mums.
How dare we:
Put kids into childcare
Can't afford to feed or clothe your kids? What? On all that benefit you receive you thieving scoundrel! Clearly, that's a lie. No-one uses childcare because they can't afford food, they use it so they can earn more money for bigger holidays, cars and clothes for their little scallywags. And don't give me that crap about childcare teaching kids how to socialise. That's a lot of bull. You just like palming them off so you can go get your nails done or your hair cut.
You selfish bitch. While the rest of the country works, you're sat at home on your arse doing f-all. Shame on you! Why isn't your house spotlessly clean? Why do the kids always look like they've been through a hedge backwards? You have ALL the time in the world for god sake, what do you do all day?
Who are you to decide that being a mum is valid work? Pfft. You know what real work is? Working an eight-hour day with only a one-hour lunch break, that's what!
Be in an LBGTQ Relationship
This goes against everything you were ever taught. We all know that kids only grow up stable if they have a mum AND dad. Healthy relationships and strong bonds be damned, kids need a mum for love and dads for discipline. Worked in the past and nothing's changed.
Great, another one who just wants a free house and who got pregnant on purpose. Your kids are probably living in a cardboard box while you drive around in your brand new BMW wearing the latest fashion.
Marriage is a form of suppression; you're no longer a feminist and are a shit role model to your girls. They will grow up thinking that they need a man to support them, so will never be able to hold down a stable job and will end up becoming an airhead with no thoughts of their own.
Breastfed kids always remember sucking their mum's tits. They will turn into lustful little sex pests who won't take no for an answer. They should be put on the sex offender list at birth so everyone is aware where the next pervs will be. If you insist on using your breasts to feed, then at least do it in private where no one can see you, your kid or your flaunting breasts.
Boobs should be saved for bikini's only. Abusing your kid in a restaurant while we're all trying to eat just isn't on!
Formula-fed children grow up to look like Golem from Lord of the Rings. Their face will be pale and sweaty, their eyes will be beady and their limbs will be misshapen and scrape on the floor. Destined to a life of nothing but murmuring illogically while trying to find "my precious" from the confines of a wet and slimy cave.
What a cock and bull idea. Bet all this talk about attachment parenting and regulating heartbeats was made up by some posh university type. Stick them in their own room quick and shut the door as soon as you hear a noise. That will show em whose boss!
Talk about damaging your kids! Who cares if you haven't slept in months and you're currently seeing double, that's no excuse. We all know that kids who were sleep trained grow up emotionally void and only like green vegetables.
Have Heavy Kids
Your kids are too fat to be swimsuit models. They need to follow the curve in their Red Book exactly or you're just doing something wrong.
If your three-year-old son doesn't have abs like Ryan Reynolds or hair like Justin Bieber then you're a shit mum.
In fact, you are a child abuser. You can tell us it's genetic, that it's puppy fat, that your child is medically perfectly healthy, none of that matters. If you don't have the good sense to put your child on the Atkins Diet straight away and weigh them morning and night while forcing them to develop eating disorders by demeaning them, we'll do it for you. That's what social media is for.
Have Kind and Enthusiastic Offspring
Ugh. You make me sick. You clearly brought up flawless brats just to rub it in our faces. You have no right to have an opinion on anything because your life is too easy and perfect. Your kids will probably grow up to be drug dealers, suicide bombers or politicians.
Don't you know that you'll still be blending food when they're ten? Kids who don't learn how to pick up spoons or folks by one will have weak arms and their fingers will drop off.
Baby Led Wean
OMG your baby is going to die and come back and haunt you.
Not be a Knob
The best mothering involves criticising other women and their offspring.
Find a mum who's really down and looks like she's having a shit day; attack. Hiding behind social media is the best way but whispering behind her back at a play ground is just as fun.
If she feeds/disciplines/shouts or swears at her kids; get her, straight away. Call the police. Put her kids in care and shove her in the stocks as she's a revolting human being.
What ever you do don't let her kids anywhere near yours as they will shrink two feet and suddenly love Countdown.
Your kids will be watching so make sure you really stick the knife in and tell her she could have at least brushed her hair and changed her three-day old puked on jeans. Go for gold and tell her how your kids have slept through the night since three weeks. (Even if it's a big fat lie.)
You need to make sure your sweet little wide-eyed cherubs are looking though, so they grow up to be just as mean, narrow-minded and phony as you.
After all, that's not counted as child abuse, is it?
If you'd like more tales from the parenting front line from a mum with offspring who like kicking, beige food and driving her mad then check out the rest of the blog here.
Follow Laura Suzanne Light on Twitter: www.twitter.com/theunsungmum