When people find out that I work for a worldwide online dating site, they often ask me the same few questions. Does online dating really work? Can I take a look at their dating profile and fix it? By far, the number one question I get asked is from women who want to know why men stop calling after a date. They are desperate to know why a man will kiss them goodnight, tell them he had an amazing time and can't wait to see them next week, and then disappear into the night never to be heard from again. These women are frustrated, and rightfully so. Dating can be an exhausting process, and when you finally establish a connection with a man, you think to yourself, Wow, this one might actually stick. You get your hopes up, and you let your guard down. And then, Poof! He's gone-and your hope vanishes right along with him.
Naturally, the first thing a woman does when a guy goes MIA is try to understand why. We want to make some sort of sense of it all and think of anything to avoid believing that he just isn't that into us! So we make elaborate and silly excuses for him. He has a huge presentation at work this week so he's just really busy. Or his last girlfriend broke his heart so terribly that he's scared to fall in love again. Or maybe he lost his phone? And his wallet, so he can't buy a new one! Whew! He'll totally call when he gets his phone situation sorted out, right?
He's still interested, right?
Wrong. There is one, and only one, reason that men stop calling after a date. It's not because he's stuck on his ex, or too busy with his career. Simply put--he didn't call because he didn't want to. And really, what more do you need to know? Perhaps he didn't have the courage to tell you to your face that he didn't see a relationship developing and this is his (slightly backwards) way of letting you down easy. More important than understanding why a guy didn't call is understanding what a man will do when he does want to call. When a man wants to date you, you'll know. If he's got back-to-back meetings at work, he'll call you on his way into the office at 7a.m or send you funny emails throughout the day to make sure you don't forget about him. If his past relationships have hurt him, he'll be willing to put himself out there again for you. If his cell phone battery dies, he'll borrow a friend's mobile to call you or text you from.
He'll make it happen.
Embracing this mindset will make your dating experience much less stressful and frustrating. Sure, it might still sting when a guy says he'll call you to make plans and never does; rejection of any kind is never fun. But instead of dissecting his every move with your girlfriends, obsessing and wondering where you went wrong, you'll be able to shrug it off as not your problem. He didn't want to call you--and who really cares why? No time to worry about that! Think of it this way. Do you really want to start a relationship with someone you have to convince to be with you? Someone who isn't 110% into you? Someone who forgets about you when they have a busy day at work, or puts you on the back burner until it's convenient for them?
There is so much talk and energy wasted on the men who don't call. But really, it's not these guys who really matter. The guys worth obsessing over are the ones who never leave you wondering or guessing where you stand with them. You'll already know.
Liz Marie is an editor and online dating expert at We Love Dates. She does not enjoy long walks on the beach.