When I was 11 a boy in my class asked me out. We spent the summer of 1995 holding hands before exchanging Haribo jelly rings in the library as symbols of our everlasting devotion. Then high school happened and he immediately abandoned me in favour of a taller, prettier, less weird girl in his form. I was momentarily desolate, ate some chocolate and quickly found a replacement spotty teenage heartthrob to occupy my pre-adolescent daydreams.
On the surface, not much has changed since then. But when sex buddies, booty calls and one night stands became a socially expected part of the dating scene, the politics became more complicated. In the 70s if you were going on regular dates and enjoying naked fun time, you could safely assume that you were in a relationship (however short-lived). These days you need a PhD in human behavioural studies to clarify your status. Are you seeing each other? Dating each other? Or edging towards the relationship solidifying moment of a public social media update?
Before you reach such monumental levels of hashtag commitment, you'll need to overcome these obstacles first...
1.)Asking someone out
According to the writers of hideous dating help books, a woman should never ask a man out. Instead she must sit around, preferably wearing something slutty, and wait for Prince Charming to rock up on his white horse. Men on the other hand enjoy the chase. So if you're in possession of a Y chromosome, it's time to get your brave face ready and turn on the charm.
2.)The early communication ritual
Unless you're auditioning for a part in an American chick flick, use of the 'L' word during the first few months will kill a budding relationship faster than Ryan Giggs changes sexual partners. And while you're at it, you'd better not get over enthusiastic with the 'x' button unless you mean it. According to a recent (though probably unreliable) Twitter survey, 80% of men believe the number of kisses at the end of a text message directly correlate to the bonkability of the recipient. Two or less and the sender is putting you in the 'friend zone', three or four and it's a more blatant 'come hither' code than the backpacking story in the 'one where Ross did Rachel for the three millionth time'.
3.)The replying rules
Personally I reply to messages when I receive them. Sometimes it's three seconds after the phone bleeps. Other times it's whenever I've successfully managed to unearth my lost mobile from a pile of sheets, laundry or papers. But if modern etiquette is followed, a man waits three days before sending the first text and a woman waits several hours to reply. I have no idea why this magical number has been programmed into our brains. To be quite honest, if I met you in a bar on Friday night I'd probably have no idea who you are by Monday.
4.)Telling someone you like them
These days people would rather admit they've contracted a virulent strain of Gonorrhoea than tell someone they like them. As if the emotional vulnerability of such a confession isn't stressful enough, we've added a whole new dimension of complexities with a 'like barometer'. Seemingly measured by how many hotter alternatives are currently available, this gauge requires daters to clarify their feelings based on excessive word use. "Yea I like her but I don't know if I like like her." WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?? If I tell someone I 'like like' them, are they inclined to think a.) What a lovely sentiment, I really want to buy this chick some shoes b.) She's coming on a bit strong or c.) I wonder if she knows she's got a speech impediment? The mind boggles.
5.)Becoming official
The final frontier in modern relationships, the 'exclusivity chat' must be approached with caution. Enter too soon and you'll be boarding the singles express with a one way ticket to Bunnyboilerville. Leave it too long and you're heading for heartache territory. That said, if you've found someone who likes you as much as you like them, making it official should be the easiest part of your political journey. It's time to amend your Facebook relationship status and, provided you don't reveal your collection of animal print onesies too soon, live happily ever after.