Kids Get All the Best Presents

27/09/2012 09:06 BST | Updated 24/11/2012 10:12 GMT

I have a friend. Well, I have more than one friend (three), but this friend is the one currently occupying my thoughts. While usually he occupies no more of my thoughts than, say, the colour of my toothbrush or the name of Kris Humphries' new girlfriend, he has recently been preying on my mind.

I was complaining to him that kids get all the best presents. 'What are you talking about?' He replied, incredulously.

'Adult toys are a thousand times more fun.'
'Um.' I replied uncertainly. 'Could we possibly define terms?' 'Toys,' he said helpfully. 'Things that are awesome and I'm spending all my money on.'

'Oh,' I replied, relieved. 'Yes, I also love toys. Yesterday I noticed that Argos was having a 2-4-1 sale, and so I bought a magnetic darts board and a mini basketball hoop for my bedroom.'

My friend's face showed a reaction similar to that of a man trapped in a cement mixer which someone had recently filled with excrement.

'Those are not toys,' He spat out in disgust. 'Those are playthings for infants.' I was a little affronted, most particularly because I had spent several hours earlier that day practising with my new darts board, and now nearly always managed to hit the board, rather than my mirror. 'Toys are things like speedboats, and mopeds, and quadbikes,' He went on. 'Things that are cool.'

'I'm pretty sure you have confused 'cool' with 'expensive',' I pointed out. But irritatingly, I couldn't stop thinking about what he had said. 'I need some toys,' I grumbled to my little sister when I got home. She started to talk about my recent Argos purchases, but I quickly cut her off. 'I need a speedboat,' I announced firmly.

Unfortunately, I have neither the financial nor the geographical resources necessary for a speedboat, or any boat at all. Luckily, Virgin Experience Days offer you the chance to take a high speed RIB powerboat trip down the Thames. 'Which,' as I explained happily to my little sister. 'Is pretty much the same as owning a speedboat.'


TheLondon RIB Voyage takes you at high speed from next to the London Eye all down the Thames- you pass the Houses of Parliament, Shakespeare's Globe, The Tower of London and various other extremely famous landmarks which I completely failed to name. You also, brilliantly, get to swing by Canary Wharf, which, unexpectedly, is where my toy-loving friend works. I made sure to call him from the RIB. Unfortunately, we were going at such tremendous, James-Bond-esque speed, that I left a voicemail filled almost entirely with shrieks of joy and rushing wind sounds.

'You know what?' I asked him, when I was back on dry land and able to communicate more clearly. 'You're right. Toys are the best. I would like to point out, though, that they let children on this London RIB Voyage. You're still some way from convincing me that kids don't get all the best presents.'