01/01/2014 12:41 GMT | Updated 20/02/2014 05:59 GMT

The 12 Best (Worst) Lines Married Men Use to Try and Get You to Sleep With Them

Attempts by married men to entice you into their adulterous ways is a little like sitting in the cheap seats and watching events on stage unfold quickly in a bad Scandinavian melodrama. There's an unerring emotional pitch, and an intensity that veers from hysterical, to extra-hysterical.

The players rely on clichés to explain their feelings, and you can't help but laugh a little, even though it's meant to be serious.

You're not going to do it, you feel you've made that much clear, but sometimes guys think you just need that extra little element of persuading, so they give it their best (worst) shot.

Some basics for your perusal:

1."Let's have some fun."

Anyone who uses the word 'fun' when they mean 'sex' deserves to be shot in the head. The best response to this total lack of respect is no response. Well that would be the gracious response. My actual response would be more along the lines of, "Fun for me is gouging people's stupid eyeballs out of their stupid head, so yeah, let's have some fun."

2. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

That's simply not true, is it? What about Jennifer Lopez, Gisele Bundchen or the brunette from the Blurred Lines video? Let's be honest here, "You have pretty decent hair and could possibly be considered slightly above average facially in the right light by a kind soul, but your chunky Italian thighs let you down." Good. I'm still not going to sleep with you, but at least now we know you're honest.

3. "It doesn't have to be this big romance, we can just f*&%."

Errr no...yeah, no.

4. "It'll be this big romance, every year we shall meet at the same place, and we shall

consummate our eternal unrequited love for each other."

But we don't love each other, and you may be too busy next year. Stop trying to romanticise your boring life. If it's not enough for you, then know what you're worth and go out and get what you're worth. But leave me out of it.

5. "My wife doesn't understand that I have needs."

She doesn't understand, and I don't care. Since when did it become the responsibility of women to break the moral code and indulge in nefarious behaviour just to service the arbitrary needs of some jerk who has grown bored of his own choices? If you want a bit of strange, at least put some money back into the economy and hire a sex worker.*

(*I'm unclear on the tax implications, this may not actually be putting money back into the economy).

6. "We should be together."

Hmmm okay. When? How? Where? Oh, I see you're a little sketchy on the logistics. BECAUSE YOU DON'T MEAN IT.

7. "My wife doesn't know about my hidden depths."

Because you don't have any. Maybe if you attempted a conversation occasionally, instead of getting drunk, disappearing for 24 hours and then using the adolescent door-slam as your primary mode of personal expression, she'd have a shot. Unforch, it turns out that despite the myriad skills that women alone appear to possess mind reading is not one of them.

8. "I just can't stop thinking about us together."

Sure you can. Just stop thinking about us together.

9. "If only we had this conversation earlier, everything could be so different now - we could be together."

Coulda, woulda, shoulda. At the end, none of it really matters: all that matters is that you made a promise to one person, and unless you're going to get divorced, no matter what temptation stands in your way, you just shouldn't break it. Lingering glances are probably fine, emotional attachments, even intense ones, while deeply harmful to a marriage, may be unavoidable, inevitable. You shouldn't cross the lines of doing something physical though. So, as romantic a proposal this might be, it's still NO.

10. "Is there anything you ever wanted to try, but haven't? I could make your fantasies come true."

I want you to f*&% off and learn that no actually genuinely really truly does mean no.

11. "I've thought about you every day since the last time I saw you."

That's kind of weird. Please go away now.

12. "I've pleasured myself while looking at your photos on Facebook."